My mother is ridiculous. She just started a new job, which happens to be at the middle school I used to attend. Apparently, I made an impression, because all the teachers won't shut up about how much they liked me and they can't wait to see me! That's all very kind, but I hate being made a spectacle...Im not used to a lot of attention, so I don't like being in situations (especially with loads of middle aged women) like that.
So this one teacher told my mother that "she always wanted her daughter to marry me!". First off- I think this is weird to tell someone when you first meet them, or am I just being defensive? Secondly, this is not a good thing to tell my mom...because it gets her little gears spinning in her head.
See I am 'out' to most of my friends, but absolutely not to my mother. My dad passed away a couple years ago, so I don't have to tell him, but my mom is going to be a bit tricky. I don't actually want to tell her. We have (especially since my dad died) a really good relationship. I used to 'hate' my mom, and get into arguments all the time. This was my doing, because I wanted to 'distance' myself from her and my dad. I did this because I was told when I was 13 that I (a) couldn't have pre-marital sex, (b) couldn't be gay, and (c) couldn't smoke. They would still love me, but they couldn't support me. Well by 17 this was all shot to hell-- so I decided my best self-preserving behavior was just to get into fights a lot.
This backfired when my dad died--it was very sudden. And I quickly felt that my family had shrunk to just my mom and I. My half-brothers and half-sisters are not good people and they don't talk to us anymore. So I expect my mom to react like AJs if/when I ever tell her, and it would ruin our relationship.
[Back to my main plot line] this woman told my mom today that her daughter had just broken up with her boyfriend, and she was wondering if I would call her!!! OMG- this woman is crazy!! My mother is telling me this later, and I am just trying to nip it in the bud as quickly as possible. I tell my mother: "NO NO NO NO- I have no desire whatsoever to meet this girl". And she says "Why? You don't know her- at least go look at her picture!"... you would think after INSISTING that I wasn't interested in the least at calling this girl that my mom would take a hint.
I thought it was really funny, but frustrating. I think my mom has to have some idea... I have never had a serious girlfriend, I have a lot of gay friends, I have gone to hot-lanta for the last few new years eves... you would think things would add up, eh?? Denial is a powerful emotion, I suppose...
I envy the people that have already told their moms/family...maybe I should've done it when I was still in highschool, living in the house... I don't know I don't know...it hurts my head to think about.
Much Love,
Steve
Happy Thanksgiving!
1 year ago
6 comments:
I have well meaning friends and co-workers who try to set me up with girls on occasion. It drives me crazy. But at least when i tell them I'm not interested, they back down.
My family, my Mom in particular, would flip out and never speak to me again if they found out that I'm gay. So, i do my best to keep it a secret. But on some level, they must suspect something is up. Same goes for my friends and co-workers (I am not out to anyone in the real world). I mean, I'm 32 and have never had a girlfriend, or even been on a date with one for that matter. It should be pretty obvious.
But like you, I wonder if I should have come out when i was still in high school, just gotten it over with. At the very least, I would have been able to really be myself, instead of having to lie about who I am for so long. What really drives me crazy is when I think about all of the possibilities and opportunities I have potentially missed out on because of having to lie about who I am. Like you said, it makes my head hurt...where's the Tylenol.
KP
I came out to my folks in 1968, when I was 25. They were not upset with me, but basically it was not talked about after that. (That's 36 years of not talking about it with my mother, until she died.) But I wasn't getting into sexual relationships, so there wasn't much to talk about.
You are the best judge of what would happen if you came out to your mother, and whether that is worse than having to fend off the attempts to fix you up. (People may just think you're too shy about women to find someone for yourself.)
I think if I told my mom (Id have to find a time shes sober or she'd forget the whole thing) she would probly tell me "dont be silly".
Its what she always says when she hears something she doesnt want to hear.
The 1 person i have told is my friend Tasha, and she just laughed and told me she already knew that and that im such a uke hehe.
Coming out is REALLY complex...
I feel just like everyone here... I see that you have to do everything to make your life worth... And this implies coming out or not...
In my case, it's been worth without coming out... I think that when this changes, i will probably manage some way to do it... Although my mom wouldnt like... a BIT...
raphA
I didn't come out to my folks 'til I was 29. I'd been dropping what I thought were blatant hints for around two years but my mom was still taken completely off guard; my father expressed neither surprise nor confirmed suspicions, on the other hand. Luckily for me, they were both understanding.
Have you considered hinting around the subject with mom? I know it sucks and hiding is stressful but do you think you can realistically hide that part of your life from your mom for the rest of hers?
Well- I have talked enough about gay people in general to know her feelings on the subject. Also (and this is just funny)- one of her colleagues that she used to work with was apparently hitting on her for like a year...without my mom even realizing it. I recall one day she called shocked because she had seen her again (after months of unexplained awkwardness) and she had a "partner". Needless to say, my mom was not empathetic, but just shocked.
One time a few years ago, my mom asked me why I was so defensive of gay people. I told her that I had many gay friends, and that she was wrong to think poorly of people when she had no right to do so. She said "but you're not...?" and I said "no" (because Im a spineless twat) and then she signed in relief and said "oh, thank god". So that was pretty much my answer right there.
I had many lengthy discussions with my dad, and I think that he and I came to an agreement that "gay" people were not equal to "sexual deviants"...and that there are plenty of sexual deviants on both sides of the fence. So I thought that was a positive thing, and I think he may have been understanding had I come out to him before he passed away.
Thanks everyone for the comments! I don't get too many, but the ones I get are very much appreciated! Its the quality, not the quantity in our lil' blogger community here :-)
Steve
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