On maturity

I listen to a radio show (old recordings) from the 90s called Loveline. Its a great show-- both hilarious and very informative (its a comedian and a medical doctor). A theme that comes up over and over again is "energy" towards things and a general observation that there seems to be a relationship between age and the disproportionate amount of energy that one puts into conflict.

The Loveline hypothesis is that when youre really little your world is this big (holds up forefinger and thumb) and so when conflict happens (like your mom getting angry over your room being messy) then that's like 25% of your world, so you get angry! you get as angry as one would expect given that 25% of your world just got confronted. Then you get a little older, early teens, and your world is a little bigger, and now johnny dating sarah is a big deal. But maybe getting angry over mom complaining about the room is not such a big deal. College comes and now failing classes and getting internships are big deals, and maybe spending 8 hours gossiping about johnny dating sarah...not such a big deal. The point is that part of growing up is a _shift_ in perspective about the world, life, and your priorities.

That last sentence (above) is interesting to me. I could've read that sentence at 13, 15, 18, 21, 23, 25, and today and at every point it would've meant something slightly different. My worldview has changed every few years-- not by something dramatic, but by subtle things. Nonetheless it was different, and in each case I can look back at the "growth" and realize I was always wrong. EVEN THOUGH at EVERY point, I thought I was right. I'm sure in another 5 years I'll look back and think: wow I was naive, childish, and ignorant back then. And I'll laugh at myself a little, but remember that life is really about learning, growth, and maturity.

The moral is that (a) we have to remain extremely humble and skeptical of our opinions and outlook, because MORE THAN LIKELY those opinions and outlooks will change. If they don't then you probably haven't grown. I can't even imagine (nor do I think I've ever met anyone) who thought at 14 or 17 that they were "right" about how "things should be". (b) Remember that everyone goes through this journey differently. many will end up in the same place but at different speeds; others might end up in different places-- and that's ok. And (c) remember that putting a lot of energy into conflict is probably a waste of time as its just not that important. Obviously, this isn't always true-- there are plenty of conflicts that are worthy of standing up for principle. However, we just need to remain skeptical of our "immediate" fight or flight response to conflict.

You can observe the side effect of this "energy" hypothesis that Loveline hosts have. If you look at middle school kids (especially girls :p) there a lot of drama frequently. Friends and fighting with friends, stealing boyfriends, whatever. HS...not much better, maybe a little. College-- much better. By the time u observe late 20's, early 30's people-- the drama level has gone WAAAAY down. I'm trying to remember the last time I or any of my friends got into an actual fight. We can be upset about something every once in a while, but we talk about it-- and it goes away. We're able to "work through it" and compromise, whereas maybe our middle school selves wouldn't have been so adult-like :-)

On twitter I get to re-experience this all again. I think you could probably plot the "drama" (not indicating right/wrong, just observing "drama" in general) against the age of the people involved and I think you would see this hypothesis reinforced. Why is that? Maybe its worth thinking about.

This is part of the fun of us silly little humans: seeing how we behave, and how that behavior changes over time. The changes often slap our intuition-- as from our little minds eye, at any one point-- its easy to feel like we've got it all figured out...but we never do :-)

Steve

Happy Thanksgiving

Just wanted to say happy thanksgiving. I am very thankful for all of the people that I have met through my blog and through twitter. It's nice to have a group of people (albeit almost strangers) that are always a few clicks away to share your day with. So thanks so much for that.

Two year blogging anniversary coming up!

Hey look its a hot guy! (not me-- but I wish!)


Much Love,
Steve

What happens when we die? Another pointless rant from another pointless atheist

<rant>
So I follow someone on twitter that posted some "daily questions":
1) Who will be the first person you want to see after you die?
2) What do you believe happens after death?

As you can tell, this is a religious person. I'm not going to bother with the first one. But the second one: I'm a little lost on where the confusion is...

I am Steve. There is an enormously complex network of 90 billion neurons that connect in my brain and out pops what I and you know as Steve. I can only define me as the emergent behavior from this biology. If you tweak a few things here and there-- then you get an entirely _different_ person-- not Steve. There is no debate or philosophy necessary to understand the biological process of death. My brain is kept alive by complex biological processes. When these processes cannot continue due to a lack of resources, they atrophy, and "information" (the connections, etc.) is lost permanently. That is-- the particular configuration that makes me, me-- by _any_ meaningful definition-- is irrevocably destroyed.

So what happens after death? Nothing involving "Steve" because "Steve" died when a few percentage points of those neurons died. Period.

So here comes the Christians with their magical "souls" and other made up nonsense. I refer to it with disdain, because I'm just tired of vastly large sects of rational human beings discounting all that rationality for some "feel good" magic. Listen-- I would love to believe whatever you're selling. Religion _could_ make one feel really good about being alive, and life after death. Heck, we'd all like to feel like our silly little species has some meaning in some grand plan. That plays well to our self-centered arrogance. But we have to agree on a set of rules to talk about _reality_.

Ok you have an idea that "Steve" is somehow encoded in my "soul"-- ok show me some biology. Show me some logic-- show me some processes and mechanics. Sorry but the burden is on you buddy if you're going to spew nonsense that isn't consistent with anything observed or described using a logical methodology. Oh you don't agree with my rules? You think there's a better way to describe observation than the scientific method? Ok-- then formalize it, let it be rigorously evaluated by others, and start using it to describe predictable observation. But you have to at least be consistent with yourself, with logic, and with observation.

We shouldn't give _anything_ such a low standard before we risk our intellectual integrity on it. You must do better.
</rant>

Much Love,
Steve

And after year 26...

Well I realize I haven't posted much recently, I've been a busy busy bee. Today, at least for the next 8 minutes, is my birthday. I am now 27 fingers old. My birthday celebrations have been three wonderful meals with family and friends over the past three nights and an IOU for going to the local gay club, Backstreet. This is the first year in many that I haven't been at Backstreet for my birthday, and I'm actually ok with that :-)

The whole day I was looking forward to dinner with my mom, because we went to one of my fav restaurants, Tsunami. Our meal was delightful. I enjoy spending time, just my mom and I. I like her new husband, but its nice just the two of us. We had great food, enjoyed a bottle of Le Crema Pinot Nior, and talked about work, friends, and my dad. Toward the end of the meal, the waiter brought out a platter of cupcakes with candles and a note: Happy Birthday! from Nic and Charlie -- I was really happy and surprised! This was the high point of my birthday! And that's what I think about most when I think of the last year of my life: friends and relationships.

My last year has been unique in that I have gained a whole slew of friends on twitter and in the blogging world. I am not a particularly anti-social person, but I am a busy person, and missed having more personal relationships with people. Twitter is interesting in this way, because it allows us to -- across the planet -- interact with others on a very personal level on our own schedule. I *truly* value each and every person that I interact with there, and its nice to meet people from different countries. Not to mention its nice to feel some sort of companionship-- albeit a bit disconnected.

I also have some great memories with real life friends from this last year. My time in Chicago and Atlanta with Nathan, Jeremiah, etc. are memories that I will treasure forever. Our trip to Nashville for Imogen Heap was a great time as well. My brief (failed) relationship in Feb with a guy I had had a crush on for a long time was exciting, interesting, depressing, frustrating, and instructive-- even though it didn't work out the way I had hoped.

Lastly, my relationship with my mother has changed permanently, since I came out to her. She hasn't really brought it up again except in "code", but clearly she is adapting to some degree. Hopefully, its at least primed her enough for when I actually do have someone for her to meet ;-)

So this year has been about relationships for me. Hopefully, the next year will be about finishing the first part of my graduate school (masters degree) and successful acceptance into the PhD program!

I know that I have a lot to be thankful for in my life. I have been given the right opportunities to allow my efforts in school and work to be recognized and encouraged-- and Im thankful for that. I have a good mother-- despite her flaws and lack of understanding of other people's perspective. I have a nice home, a good job doing something that I love. I have a very fulfilling life at the moment, and that's something for which I know I am lucky--and extremely grateful. And most of all I have *great* friends-- and that includes all of you! Especially Nic, Charlie, Torchy, Lunty, Tyler, Peter, Robert, and certainly some others I'm forgetting.

So thanks! for making my year 26 a special one! *massive hugs*

Much Love,
Steve

Child Criminals

I realize my posts are about completely random and infrequent. Everything is really the same. I am in the thick of my thesis work, my real job is going well (most days), and "Steves summer concert tour" is in full swing. As a reminder, the concert list is:

• 5/25 - Star Wars in Concert
• 6/5 - Imogen Heap
• 6/18 - Dave Matthews (night one)
• 6/19 - Dave Matthews (night two)
• 7/11 - Jamie Cullum
• 7/17 - Modest Mouse
• 8/9 - Arcade Fire (w/ Spoon)
• 8/28 - Broken Social Scene, Built to Spill, etc. (Loufest music festival)
• 9/17 - Flaming Lips
• 11/7 - MGMT

So this has/will be a good concert year for me! I've wanted to see Broken Social Scene, Arcade Fire, and Flaming Lips for sometime now, and never seen them before. So I am psyched!!

On to the motivation for this post:

I just finished watching a special on E! called "Child killers - too young to kill" or something like that. I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. I realize that people are the summation of a lot of nature and nurture, and its naive to believe that we're all just acting on free-will. I think we are probably much less the product of our actions, and much more the product of our environment. Im sure that most of us would have *completely* different lives with just a few key things happening differently in our past. This of course flies in the face of the day-to-day experience, where we appear to be in control of ourselves. We're certainly never slow to take pride in our "accomplishments"-- which we expect everyone to recognize as our own blood, sweat, and tears-- something we do just by our own intelligence and foresight. Probably more often than not we're dumb animals that are just smart enough to *believe* we're smart... dangerous.

So given all of this, my humanity feels sorry for these kids. I am sorry that they wont be able to live full, rewarding lives. I would like to think that they can be "fixed" and realize my hope for myself (and everyone) of happiness and fulfillment.

On the other side, they are broken. By whatever means, some of their own choice, most the result of others' choices-- they arrived at a point in time in which they knowingly took someone elses life. They took that hope, happiness, and fulfillment from an innocent person, who had no choice in the matter. And for this, we punish murderers. I suspect that to get to a point, where you actually destroy another human, requires a severe defect in your brain. The brain is a funny thing, its not like a motor to a car, where you can just "replace a belt" or "clean the spark plugs". It's much more complicated, and thus requires much more subtle repair. In many cases, the defect is so entrenched that it might never be repaired. Not fair? sure its not fair. It's not fair for anyone involved, but it's reality.

There are a lot of people in the world, and I don't think we (individually, culturally, biologically, etc.) can "fix" everyone. Especially in the case of murderers, I don't know that we can ever fix them. I'm not even sure we should try. We have plenty of non-murderers that need help. Is this a lack of humanity and compassion on my part? Maybe. I think it's a realistic acceptance of the constraints of our world. In any case, it's a terrible, unfair situation for everyone.

The E! special was interesting. I found myself many times with my jaw dropping at some of the horrific, stupid, unnecessary things that these kids did for terrible reasons. True tragedy.

Sorry for the heavy stuff...

Steve

VACATION

I got my bags packed, I'm ready to go-- dont know when I'll be back again *sing song*.

Well that's not true-- I will be back Saturday 6/26. And my bags aren't even packed! But how else to open this blog post without John Denver!?

So tomorrow I leave with a group of 7 others. We are driving to Indianapolis for a two-day Dave Matthews Band concert. The first night we are "in the pit", meaning the small GA area RIGHT IN FRONT of the stage. I've never been that close. I've been in GA before, but never really close. This is different because the GA section is tiny. We go back Saturday night, but this time we have seats--no GA. I will take lots of pictures to spam twitter with.

Then Sunday morning, after probably drinking heavily two nights in a row, I have to somehow get up early to catch a plane out of Indianapolis to fly to Salt Lake city. Then from there I go to HAWAII.

I am meeting my mom and her gentleman caller (her husband; im not a fan of "step-father" since Im like not a kid). They get in like 30 mins after me. The reason for the trip is a good friend of mine, Matt is getting married. Matt made an appearance on my blog a while ago.

It's going to be a small wedding on the beach. I'm not sure what I'll do the rest of the time, but I want to go to the Marina and the Zoo and maybe snorkeling. Last time I went snorkelling I was a little kid and I jumped in, freaked out, and immediately got back on the boat. eek! I've been to Hawaii twice before. The previous time I was in High School and we stayed at an amazing resort, and there was THE HOTTEST guy there with some girl of course. None the less, I played a little "stalker Steve" and didn't miss any opportunities to be on the beach at the same time ;-)

SO I will see all of you happy blog peeps laters.

OH and (in alphabetical order)...

• Happy Birthday Borstal Boy (aka Charlie). It's his... somewhere-between-30-and-40th birthday!


• Congratulations Peter for graduating high school! Next college...


• Happy Birthday Tyler !!! He doesn't like birthdays, but Im wishing for the best here! So now that you're 18-- you have almost no school left-- are you gonna pull the trigger!? :-)

Here are some hot guys (to me at least) for the men of honor!










Ok byes

Steve

these silly labels

I've been listening to a lot of old Loveline radio shows with Dr. Drew and Adam. If you're not familiar: in the 90s and 2000s there were a nightly radio show called Loveline where Dr. Drew Pinsky and Adam Corolla would take calls to discuss all kinds of problems.

One recurring theme is victims of abuse. People who experience abuse, violent or sexual, at a young age have tremendous scarring that plagues their entire life. There are many callers who identify as homosexual who were abused at a young age--in particular lesbians. I've probably listened to 60+ shows in the last month, and more than a dozen 20-something lesbians have called in who were abused by their step-dads at a young age.

So: (1) male figure abuses you; (2) you have a deep scar of distrusting men ingrained in your brain; (3) your brain keeps developing; (4) you are emotionally unconnected to men and prefer females; (5) you identify as lesbian.

The brain is like taffy being stretched: little indentions when the taffy is small become large fissures when stretched large. Thus, seemingly unimportant aspects of our development, get hard-wired in to our physiology as we develop. This isn't to say that this person is choosing to be gay. The fact of the matter is that at 20-something years old this person's brain is configured such that she is (in every sense of the word) a lesbian. That's reality and she can't change it. (BTW Im not suggesting that this is the only place lesbians come from)

But this feels strange--right? I mean we like to equate being homosexual with being left-handed or having blue eyes. Obviously its more complicated than simple genetic traits. So sure the above is an extreme case, but it might be a hint to the real point: same sex attraction (in biology, not culturally) is probably more nurture than nature. There is surely some genetic predisposition-- but how much? is it 50/50? 30/70? 10/90? I hate to think that a few significant events in my early childhood have wired my brain into some label that I have to wear the rest of my life.

Now don't get me wrong-- I'm not talking about rights, politics, etc. Obviously I believe in equal rights, etc. for all humans. I just feel its silly that we have to align ourselves into these buckets of gay/straight. We're just humans-- we're sexual-- we seek companionship and community. Maybe its just the cultural stuff (gender roles, social mores, etc.) that complicate everything...

looking back, this is a bit of a ramble... sorry :-)

Much Love,
Steve

Gays on television in 2003

[EDIT] This was my 100th post! I wish it would've been something more special :-/

After Robert of One Step Forward mentioned that Stewey "came out" tonight on Family Guy, it reminded me of a term paper I wrote for my freshman year English class. I really got into this paper, and enjoyed doing the research and everything else. I just re-read it for the first time since then, and am embarrassed to find some grammatical errors (and spelling of course).

The biggest thing that I notice: I don't feel this way any longer. I think a lot has changed on TV since 2003. With Glee, Degrassi, and tons of other shows featuring many types of gays-- its a good time to be gay on TV! In fact, I even think between 2003 and 2006, Will and Grace fixed the problems that I reflect on in the paper. This was inevitable of course, and a good thing! but definitely means my paper is not applicable in 2010, and I couldn't be happier about that :-)

Oh and I got an A+ on this, my teacher loved it. I loved her too-- she was so awesome and encouraging :-)

Here's the introduction, and the PDF is here:

America in the year 2000: “Gay people are still officially criminals in seventeen states. Job discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation is legal in thirty-nine states” (Capsuto, 411). The ten-percent of society whose sexual preference is labeled as alternative, fights for freedom to exist. Like many aspects of society, the media tends to act as both a mirror and a dictator, reflecting and prescribing the current state of society. On American television, the negative and stereotypical portrayal of alternative sexuality exacerbates the current social stereotypes, thus inhibiting growth, tolerance, and ultimately—acceptance.

This claim can be observed on three levels. First, the homosexual characters that are on the major networks only represent the extreme facets of homosexual culture. Second, after examining the nature of gay or lesbian television characters since the 1960’s, the frequency of gay characters has slowly increased, while the nature of their roles has changed little. Thirdly, homosexuals on television have consistently been viewed as deviants, and have been the object of much ridicule. The numbers speak for themselves; while ten-percent of the American population is labeled as “alternative,” there exists far less than one percent of American television depicting a positive portrayal of gay life. In the future, shows that “push the envelope” will hopefully expose America to an accurate image of homosexuality creating a healthy society based on acceptance and reality rather than intolerance and stereotypes.

The whole paper is here.

Steve

The first person I ever told...

I don't think I've ever blogged about this before... I was about to explain the story of the first person I ever came out to on Sean aka GayKiddd's blog, but opted to write a blog post instead. Note that I should be doing homework right now...

Well when I was 15 I made a new friend, whom we will call Joey (not his actual name, but a cute name none the less). Joey and I were in band together, and quickly became good friends. So over the course of a few months, I realized that I had a growing crush on Joey. I had had crushes on straight guys before, but this felt a little different... I felt like I was getting signs that maybe Joey had some of the same feelings. I swear there were some things that seemed unmistakable. Right after I turned 16 I decided to come out to Joey and just see what happened. I thought for sure that he would tell me he was gay too. Obviously this was a big event for me, so I remember all of my feelings, where I was sitting -- everything -- really well.

We were chatting over AIM and I mentioned that I had something that was really personal, a secret, that I had never shared with anyone. After a few minutes of stalling, I finally just told him that I was bi (I considered myself bi at the time).

It was a very interesting feeling. I felt a tremendous, profound sense of relief and something else-- elation(?). Prior to this, I had only ever chatted with a few random online guys and talked briefly about being gay. We didn't have Twitter, and there wasn't this amazing healthy ecosystem of gay/bi bloggers where you could vent and feel some sense of community. Sorry, didn't mean to turn this into a "walk uphill both ways" kinda story-- this was just like the year 2000...not 1974 :-)

He said that he was totally cool with it and happy that I told him. We kept talking and I was kinda waiting for him to tell me he was the same way...and nothing... :-( I remember even asking him: so are there any secrets you want to share since I'm doing a lot of sharing right now?? :-) And he told me a few things, but not that he secretly liked guys and wanted to have a million babies with me like I was hoping.

I was a little depressed about that, but the overwhelming good feelings that I had just getting it off my chest made it all ok. We became even better friends and remained close all the way through high school. We kept in touch through college a little and I've seen him a few times, but we kinda lost touch. Now it wasn't all great-- my crush didn't go away immediately. It got bad actually and at one point I after drinking at a party I wrote a really mean email, I suppose trying to "push him away". It was stupid. I apologized the next day and we were ok. I still feel so bad about this even today.

I don't think I told anyone else for a month or so and then it just became like a game of deciding who I was going to tell next and going for it. I had a whole spiel that I delivered...lol how silly it seems looking back on it. I never had a bad reaction in high school, and most of my friends knew by senior year. I had one kinda bad reaction while I was an assistant manager of a movie theatre in college: accidentally most of the staff found out and a couple of the guys that kinda looked up to me came up to me almost in tears and said "its not true is it"-- it was kinda crappy.

What's the point of all this: overall I am extremely happy that I came out to my friends in high school when I did. College became very busy for me, and I didn't have the friend groups that I did in HS-- so it wouldn't have been as fun. I loved that I could be myself around my friends, and there were even a few other secretly gay guys at my school that it was fun to have a mutual secret with :-)

Oh and I even told my Chemistry teacher my senior year, and she was so cool with it! She even paired me with the guy I had a huge crush on :-) Ugh- I loved her... I felt so bad that I did soooo poorly on the AP Chem exam (stayed up super late to watch Attack of the Clones screening at the movie theatre) :-(

Oh and Kurt looked HOT in this week's Glee! And even hotter here OMG *screams like a school girl*



Much Love,
Steve

blah blah blah

I just realized that I think I have washed the same load of towels three times over the last few months. I keep washing and drying them, and putting them back in the hamper. Then I get preoccupied (i.e. lazy) and don't fold them. Thus, a few weeks goes by, and I look at the hamper full of laundry and say "oi! i need to do a load of towels!"

Yes I am completely aware that you have just wasted your time reading this rubbish! ZING!!!

Eh take a picture of a cute guy instead:



Oh and here's a young Tommy Anders before he dyed his hair. awwwwwww



Why can't i just go to sleep....

Much Love,
Steve

Mom getting married (thrice)

Today (in a few hours, im actually running behind, but really don't care), my mother is getting married. This is the third time in her life that she is getting married. The first was an abusive "high school sweetheart" and it didn't last more than a few months. No kids, easy split. The second was my dad, and they were married over 30 years. Unfortunately, my dad passed away too young. Now she is marrying for the third time.

Yet-- I don't feel happy today.

I have no problems about the marriage. I feel fine about it. He is a great guy and they are good together. I feel down, because when I think of my mom, I see a dead relationship. Yes, we're being amicable and smiling and she is trying her hardest, but it feels fake to me. I know how she truly feels about me, and that will never change. She is the most stubborn person I know, and she has made the choice time and time again (about many subjects) to choose her "comfort zone" rather than think about something openly.

So I'm in my tux, shining my shoes, and will put on a smile for the next few hours. We'll keep puttin' lipstick on this pig until we both get tired and fade away from each other.

Such a shame...

I hope everyone is well.

Steve

Lemme get geeky on ya for a sec

No that's not a pickup line...well wait, would that work on you? Wow its been so long since I've posted. My life is no different than it was a month ago-- work, school, very little free time (wash, rinse, repeat).

So I'm going to toss around some thoughts that came up while I was in class trying desperately to find an awful lecture interesting. This will be boring to most, if not all of you, so no worries if you stop reading now :-) ...lol who am I kidding, this presumes there is even a single person reading this at all!

I am taking a class on parallel and distributed computing, which deals with how to "solve problems" over a large number of processing units. So it deals with super computers as well as large networks of computers. Well the teacher made an offhand remark today that resonated: "you see, thinking about parallel algorithms is hard-- we're not used to it". Why?

Our brain does a lot at once: it monitors various biological systems simultaneously, processes all information coming in from our various senses and constructs some 'reality', reminds us when we need to use the restroom, etc. All of this happens because the mechanics of our brains do many many little things all at the same time (massively parallel). And its not just our brains-- even our cells are all little independent machines processing away and interacting with their neighbors. Thus, in nature we see parallel processing all over the place-- especially in our brains. So why is it then that we only experience a single 'focus' of consciousness? Why must we have this 'serialized' (i.e. think about one thing after another) view of the world?

Our brain is doing all of this complicated parallel processing in order to construct a view of 'reality' that we then reason about serially and slowly! Why? Presumably consciousness arose via evolution. Strangely, we evolved this single 'focus' model of consciousness even though few if any other processes in nature have this 'serial' mode of operation.

Is this 'single', slow, serial consciousness the natural result of many smaller massively parallel operations? Is it just the first step in a more complicated evolution of our awareness? Might we one day have multiple 'threads' of consciousness running at the same time (i.e. one part of my brain can think about my homework assignment, while the other figures out what birthdays are coming up). It's difficult to think about because you have a natural inclination to think that 'well its simpler for us to solve problems if there is only one thing to focus on'-- but this answer is completely based off of our only experience with consciousness. Just like we can't imagine what it would be like to have three arms or eyes in the back of our head.

The answers to these questions are important for a lot of reasons. For computer science, people are working on systems that can experience awareness and consciousness like humans do. Creating such a computer would give great insights into our brains... and give way to the 'Terminator' scenario where sentient computers take over the world and kill all humans. Personally, I wouldn't blame the computers. We humans are doing a terrible job of managing ourselves. The child-like shenanigans of modern american politics over something like health care reform is a good case in point.

Now I know that consciousness and cognitive science are big areas of research-- so I'm just naively thinking about this for fun. I'm not trying to say anything profound. Its just neat to think about (in a geeky way)...don't hate :-)

In other news...here's a hot guy:



He's gay too, and in the movie CAMP which you might enjoy if you like Glee. Don't get me wrong its no Glee: it's extremely campy. But some of the music is good, and the boys are hot in it!

Much Love,
Steve

OMG HaHaHa, my brain is broken

Things are fine. My mother and I are back to "normal", and she is clearly choosing to ignore it. I'm fine with that.

School is getting nuts, and so is work. I will be in Providence, RI this whole next week at a customer site. I fly into Boston and then drive to RI. I think I'll spend Sunday night in Boston and try to explore a little. I like going to new cities :-)



I watched OMG/HaHaHa last night. I really enjoyed it. It is not a movie for everyone-- you have to be open to the avant garde. The cool thing is (a) I'm sure almost everyone in the movie is gay, and (b) the whole thing was shot in Memphis!! (this pic is in front of my favorite theatre in memphis-- and incidentally is the company I do part time consulting for. I wish I wouldn't have missed the Indie Film Fest that year :-/ ). There is not really a plot, but rather a collection of moments that paint a story or feeling. The movie works really well. Its cut together and scored in such a way that it just resonated really well with me. Ugh I might watch it again before returning to Netflix. And the lead was super cute (in picture above) and I feel like I've seen him around before... anyways, super cute :-)

Watching this unintentionally triggered an interesting thought. My brain is broken. I think 'normal' people feel attraction for people based on a lot of factors--not me. I only seem to get butterflies in my stomach for super attractive people. I feel like a 14 year old girl, because I think it's immature to act like that, right? I am a rational, intelligent, cultured person, and it frustrates the shit out of me that I cannot control my emotions of 'love' or 'infatuation' at all. I would like to fall in love with someone 'appropriate' for me. Don't get me wrong-- I have *great* friends and I love them more than my family. But even some of my friends, who would be 'appropriate' boyfriend material-- I just don't feel that spark-- that silly animal attraction that sends you over the moon; aka "love".

Honestly, I think I have a lot of great qualities: I think I have a decent personality, great work ethic, intelligence, education, financial stability, passion for the world, blah, blah. But, I have a bone-crushingly poor self-image. So I don't think anyone that I find attractive (aka butterflies in stomach, etc.) would ever be interested in me. Thus, I will be alone forever. I will have great friends, but no boyfriend-- no partner. I think I'm actually ok with that...not sure yet.

I can only hope that my childish 14 yo girl mind will grow up. OR maybe there is some Mr. Right out there for me-- someone who feels for me what I feel for him.

Much Love,
Steve

It's been one week, and things are...ok I think

So one week ago, I came out to my mom, and she didn't react as I expected. I expected sad, and I got angry. After my last post, we talked on Saturday, where she stated a number of things:

• The first thing she said to me was "Out of respect for your mother, just don't ever embarrass me. Her embarrassment is clearly more important than a relationship with her son.


• She kept rhetorically asking (apparently god) what she did wrong and why everything was always taken away from her (referring to my dad, who passed away, and apparently me).


• She kept "making a case" against me in her mind. Saying things like "we'll you've made your choice". "You are free, white, and 21 so I can't make your choices for you". And that she needs to put time and distance between us so that she can cope and live out the rest of her life. If I hear one more time that I am free, white, and 21, I'm going to scream. I can't imagine a more stupid thing to say. Hello, 1930.


• She was still being overly dramatic saying things like: "I'm going to move to Nasvhille, and I'll send you a postcard with the address so that you know where to pick up the box when I die. You can just dump it in the ground next to your father."


• She asked me about which of my friends were gay, and out of left field, asked if I "did something" with my sophomore religion teacher from high school and "if that's when all this mess started". I have no idea where this came from. Strangely, I did find my sophomore religion teacher very attractive :-) This was the year when I became a bit anti-religion. So I assume that's what she was thinking.

We talked in the morning, and it really upset me for the whole day. I was very calm on the phone, and just kept repeating that I had faith that she would feel better and be able to logically think about the situation in the future. I told her that she just needs to remember in the back of her mind that I am the same normal, caring, intelligent, responsible, and boring person-- and that I will be right here ready to have a relationship with her.

In the midst of all of this, I talked with Person X, and the relationship is over. Interestingly, I knew, rationally, that it was a bad set of circumstances for both of us. But the immature, emotional 14 year old girl inside of me was just having too much fun being "in love". So even though I hurt for a few hours on Saturday, I feel really good about his decision now. I think it's the right one. We are really in very different places in life, and there's just no reason to force things that shouldn't be forced. I felt like we were probably both making concessions, and we just shouldn't need to do that. So all's well that ends well, and I hope we can remain friends without any awkwardness-- certainly I don't feel awkward. He is a fun person to be around, and I need all the friends IRL that I can get! :-)

SOOOOO.... after a really emotional Saturday, I woke up Sunday feeling pretty good about things. I decided to let my mom contact me next, because she clearly needed time. She txted me Monday morning while I was at work and said:

I love you, you are my son, but I do not love your choices in life. This has broken my heart. I love you, Mom.

This actually made me a bit worried, because I knew that her dad committed suicide when she was 16, and so idk I'm just nervous because she is not in a good mental state. So I called her fiance, and was very pleasantly surprised that he is going to be an ally and a good influence on her through all of this. He said that he thought she would be fine, it would just take time, but that he didn't want her to say anything that she would regret. I apologized to him for adding more stress in his life, and he said that I should call him whenever I want to talk. He is a good man.

Later, I responded to her text:

I love you too, and I don't know how to convince you that I haven't been offered any choices-- no more than you were. I have faith that in time you will know this. I don't want to cause you any more pain than I clearly have-- so I will stay away for however long you need, but I'm here and want to have a relationship with you. It's just silly to let something so unimportant eclipse an entire life and relationship with the most important person in my life.

Days went by and we didn't communicate. Finally on Thursday night she sent just "Will you get help? I'll go with you". I probably came across as a jerk, but replied with:

It's good to hear from you. The APA, all of real science, history, observation of other species, most cultures in the world, and even the catholic church recognize that this is a natural phenomena-- not a defect. There is no "help" that one could or should get. Given all of that, I think it more appropriate to ask if you will get help? I will go with you. I would like to understand why you feel so strongly about something, which you obviously know so little about. I don't mean to sound rude-- I just care about you and hate that you are so upset about this. You don't need to be. I love you.

We exchanged a few messages in the morning, and I sent this:

I'm not saying you're stupid- I apologize that I came off that way. However, I just dont understand why you feel the way that you feel. You hold an opinion, which contradicts all of my knowledge and experience, and you dont even seem willing to humbly give me the benefit of the doubt (considering the overwhelming evidence to the contrary). I am unfamiliar with this type of reasoning. When I am not familiar with something (engine repair, for example), I might have ideas or naive opinions, but I defer to experts when faced with new info. It's just unecessary to take such a posture-- especially when it comes at such a high cost.

I hate to keep sounding like I'm lecturing, but I want to try to keep pushing logic and reason in her face instead of allowing her naive gut reactions dominate her thought process. I don't know if it's helping and its definitely too soon, but I'm only responding to her requests-- not shoving it in her face.

In what I think is a good sign, she called me Friday to see if I could take care of her dog. She also told me that she was going to try to bring my desk back from Dallas. Both of these are interesting since last week she said (a) I would never take care of Maggie (her dog) again, and (b) she would never step foot on my property again.

Baby steps...

Overall, I am doing well considering the circumstances. I feel good about my decision to tell her, just bad about the timing. I feel very alone right now, and as silly as it sounds: without twitter and a few really good friends, I would've lost it. Thanks to everyone who went out of their way to blog about me, direct message me, or send me well-wishes. It really meant a lot.

Sorry for the long post :/

Much Love,
Steve

Wow that was a mistake (my coming out experience)

I am writing this from my room, where I just arrived home from a very painful evening. Let me start first by saying that my budding relationship with Person X has hit a bit of a speed bump...or mountain. I won't get into all the details, but suffice it to say that he is going through quite a lot right now, and I think--regardless of my intention-- it is just too hard to juggle quite so much in your mind at once. I understand that. It sucks that we had such a wonderful four weeks and trip to Nashville together, because it was the best time of my life. I remain hopeful and optimistic, but understand the reality of the situation. I just hope that he can find the balance, happiness, and support that he needs to cross this major junction in his life (finishing college). I do love him, and I think I probably will for sometime; I can't control these things. Maybe our paths can cross later in life; maybe he will figure out a way for us to work and balance it together for the next few months. In any case, I have done all I can do.

In a subconscious effort to replace one pain with another, I decided on a whim to come out to my mom tonight. I knew that it would be bad, but I didn't know how bad. I always expected her to be upset, but not vengeful or hateful. We went to dinner, and I was vaguely explaining that I was in a bit of a funk. She knew something was up, and started asking more, and I said that I really couldn't talk about it. Well we went back to her place after dinner, and I started to try and explain.

She looked a bit scared, but when I finally told her (after an hour of stalling)-- she didn't cry or get upset in the way I expected: she got mad. She immediately ended the conversation, and said that I should go because she was so shocked she didn't know what she was going to say. At one point she said: "you want me to tell you how I really feel: why dont you just take the damn knife and stab me in the heart". This was painful, and I guess she was just trying to cause me the same pain she felt. I can't blame her, I guess, I expected her to be upset-- and its not her fault that she was raised in a time where she had such hate ingrained in her. The particularly frustrating part for me was that she equated her choice of not accepting me or not acknowledging me with my "choice" of being gay. She kept saying that "it goes both ways". I re-emphasized that I wanted a relationship with her-- and I wasn't asking for her acceptance or anything. I just wanted her to consider, maybe it will take 3 yrs, maybe 5 yrs-- but to consider that her "opinion" is not valid. It was no more valid than people in the 1930's who didn't accept people that wrote with their left hand instead of their right.

Sure- there were times when I lost it both with tears and with anger. I know at one point I told her it was ridiculous that she held an opinion on something which she knew nothing about. I know that I asked her when she chose to feel feelings of love towards men and not women? She was flippant and spiteful. She said that she never wants to speak to me about it again, and don't ever expect to spend any Christmases with anyone that I might want to bring over. She reiterated many times about my choice of lifestyle...and I kept asking her what that meant: this is a physiological trait!

I kept asking why some silly, unimportant opinion about something which she knows nothing was MORE important to her than a relationship with her son. I left in tears, went home, had another hour long phone conversation with her, and am now writing this. I think I have destroyed enough for today... my work here is done :-/

I gladly accept e-hugs or praise in the comments, considering that I am feeling extremely lonely at the moment *hint* *hint* :-)

Much Love,
Steve

Farewell old job

Yesterday was my last day at "CompanyXXXXXXX". Coincidentally, it was the last day that we (the few remaining) could occupy that office space. The company consolidated two locations, and so everyone was packing up-- not just me. There was a nice sense of closure to not only leave the company, but the office space, which I had called home for a few years now. Also convenient is that the new office is across the street. So I literally just wheeled my stuff across the parking lot :-)

I received a number of nice phone calls and emails from managers and colleagues. I also heard the three of our customers (very large banks; you would recognize the names) escalated very high in the management chain, demanding an Org Chart to see how they were going to replace me. I am very flattered. We had a big "going away" lunch that was a lot of fun.

In a nostalgic (and self-serving) way, I am going to post a few of the notes that I received. I am looking forward to new opportunities and challenges. This is all very exciting and a bit nerve-wracking :-)

From my bosses bosses boss:

Steve, just a quick note to say thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to speak with me yesterday. You are a bright young man with a very promising future. I also appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts and views and your recommendations on our best bet for reducing risk for supporting XXXXXXXX short and long term.

I was sincere in saying I wish you the very best in your new position and would be glad to hear from you anytime Steve. I am a good listener and old as hell so I have lots of life experiences to share so don’t be bashful. Keep in touch buddy and thank you for the many outstanding contributions you made to our company during your employment.

From the development manager (I dotted-line reported to him):

I just want to say, one more time, how much I enjoyed working with you. Every now and then I get to work with someone who, it seems, we can almost complete each other’s thoughts because we think so much alike. I felt that way with you.

I wish you all the best in your new job. I’m sure you know that you will always be a welcome addition if ever the opportunity arises for us to work together again in the future.

From one of our customers:

...since you are leaving us for greener pastures. Well, to tell the truth I'd "hoist a few" to commemorate just about anything but in this case I'd really mean it.

I am sincerely sorry to hear about you leaving CompanyXXXXXXX. If you ever need a reference, a partner, or an accomplice please let me know.

Adios, CompanyXXXXXXX-- it's been real...

Much Love,
Steve

Things are wonderful :-)

So this was my 'hell week' at work, where I had to resign and try to keep it amicable. I called my manager and resigned, and while he sounded 'defeated', he didn't scream or threaten disloyalty. That afternoon I endured hours of phone calls from various managers trying to offer different 'incentives' for me to stay on board. No thanks, guys!

So as nervous I was about this transition, this week has been one of the best weeks of my life. Person X and I have been growing closer and closer. We are a perfect fit, in every way, for each other-- I truly believe that. Obviously, it's still young in the relationship, but we have been talking/texting everyday...thank god we have unlimited texts :-)

It's so weird-- a month ago, I would've told you that it would be impossible for me to 'fall in love'. The more I think about it, I realize how truly lucky I am for Person X to be in my life. The 'normal' dating scene-- meeting a stranger, doing the dance of social interaction, etc. would never work for me. I think I am too insecure to ever be able to endure such an activity.

This situation is unique in that:

• We've known each other for a while; thus, there is already a basis for trust
• The night we recognized our feelings, there was significant alcohol involved. Thus, we were very open and honest about...well...everything. So a lot of the insecurities that I would normally be trying to hide, I am totally comfortable with discussing, because the relationship began with a whole lot out on the table.
• We both have a consistent goal for where we want the relationship to go. We both want someone to share our life with; we already enjoy even the little, mundane things about our days.

So yea I'm totally in love person X, which is amazing and scary at the same time. Neither of us want to jinx anything by putting too much pressure or expectations, but we both recognize the reality of how comfortable and happy we are so far.

I just can't stop thinking about him. I'm going to have to go back to my 2009, cynical posts, and laugh at how short sighted I was.

Much Love,
Steve

New Years Eve Resolution...aka Im stoopid

Well my annual new years trip to Atlanta has finished, and I'm still in a daze about the whole thing. This trip was already looking up, because we had a new person planning to come along. I will call him X for the moment.

An outline of the trip is as follows:

1. Toured about the city a bit checking out gay bars, and noticing how many seedy sex shops there were


2. Visited the High Museum of Art. They had a wonderful architecture exhibit, which I enjoyed immensely. I liked some of the contemporary art as well, but some was just plain strange. I am not educated in art, and thus I can only experience it in a naive way. Maybe this ignorance prevents me from seeing the true artfulness of some pieces...


3. Shopping! We explored a few token gay shops. Next we went to Atlantic station, which is home to many typical clothing shops. Lastly, went to Lenox Square, which had everything. I bought a CK shirt, and a J Crew sweater, gawked at the prices of the Zegna clothes, and left.


4. Dinner at the Atlanta Fish Market, which was hilarious, because my friend accidentally insulted the waiter in front of his face, and that just shaded the whole meal...it was great. I tipped the waiter very well to make up for it ;-)


5. Visited three gay bars: (1) BJ Roosters, which had some nice go go boys; (2) Mixx, which only had 4 customers, and (3) Burkhearts, which features terrible (but funny) karaoke


6. Lunch at the Dwarf House, which was the original Chic-fil-la. It was interesting because it was a sit-down, diner-style restaurant. Great waitress...one of few that didn't scream in our ears.


7. More shopping!


8. Ate dinner at Bricktops. This place was wonderful; we imbibed two bottles of wine, and just had a fantastic meal.


9. Went to Swinging Richards, which is an all-male strip club...but its not as seedy as it might sound :-/


10. Enjoyed a few ipod's worth of VIP treatment from Keenen, who is adorable, and actually a super nice guy


11. Bought a VIP room for X, which I think he enjoyed ;-)


12. We left, and I tried to help person X get to the car and not collapse! Apparently he had drank way too much...which is probably my fault for not stopping him sooner. I have apologized a thousand times since of course.


13. For the rest of the night I was helping person X not die from choking on his own vomit (yuk!)...but in all of this I found out that apparently we have very strong feelings for one another on many levels

I'm not sure how much I can blog about person X, because I believe that links to my blogs might be in my tweets somewhere. Whatever--I try to be an open person; alas- if he finds it, then he finds it... I'm not much for secrets; I prefer openness, honesty, and trust. Truth be told, I have liked X for quite some time--since I first met him. I always felt that he would be someone that I would be compatible with.

If you have read some of my previous posts, you would know that I am a bit of an odd duck. I am very confident and happy about many parts of my life, and incredibly insecure (like 14 yo girl insecure) about others. This insanity has prevented me, I think, from having a real relationship in the past. As an engineer, I am compelled to plan and over-think everything. Thus, my self-perceived inadequacy has prevented my 'plan' from really including a significant other.

Regardless, this trip experience may have actually made a dent in my 'wall' that I constructed to prevent from getting hurt. By keeping people just a bit away from me, I could control the situation better. Since I didn't feel it possible that someone could actually be attracted to me, this was a nice arrangement. Person X has shown me that this is, in fact, completely false. Note that many people in my life, including blog-world's own Nic have tried in earnest to make me realize this before. But knowing something rationally and actually experiencing it and living it--are vastly different things.

So the logistics suck, because we live many hours apart from each other, but I'm going to allow myself to try. We are going to keep in close contact, get to know each other better, and figure this out slowly. In the worst case, I'll have a great, close friend...in the best case...who knows ;-)

But I haven't stopped smiling all day :-)

Much Love,
Steve