Biking accident, moving, and mom (redux)

It's been two months since I last blogged and this has been a crazy two months... In bullet form:

• I had a mountain biking accident and spent two days in the hospital.
• My mom re-discovered I am gay and we had a big fight
• My mom's friends are awesome and one of the local catholic priests is awesome and both have really helped her.  I think we're going to be ok.
• I moved in to a new house! Well... not everything is unpacked so thats really present progressive tense not past tense.
• Work has been insane
• School has been slow :(
• Andrew and I had our five month anniversary yesterday!!!
• I met Andrew's mother for the first time
• Andrew's dad found out that Andrew is gay from his mom sort-of accidentally

Some of the above merits additional exposition.  I do a lot of mountain biking and had ridden this trail hundreds of times in the past year.  This particular day was a bit muddy and wet, and I was going down a hill really fast and hit a little beat up bridge.  My tires lost traction and I went forehead first in to one of the wooden slats.  I was wearing a helmet, of course, but I think the impact was against my forehead under the helmet.  I don't remember much of that day due to the head trauma and that whole evening is a bit of a blur. Some couple found me just wandering around disoriented in the woods, covered in blood, and they took me to the emergency room.  I wasn't able to form short term memories while my brain was swollen due to the trauma, so I apparently kept asking the same questions over and over again.  The nurses got tired of answering me so they started writing down the answers and just pointing (see picture below).  The stuff at the bottom is what Andrew wrote trying to help me remember the weekend.  I'm totally fine now and back to mountain bike riding!   

When I was in the hospital my mom and my boss were both there, and I asked my boss if anyone had contacted Andrew.  My mom asked my boss who Andrew was and he said "special friend".  She immediately turned pale as she realized what that meant, and despite coming out to her once before it was like she never knew :/ Andrew showed up later that evening and my mom said about two words to him before leaving, obviously quite shaken and upset.  Andrew stayed until like 2am.  

The next morning my mom came back and said that I "had made my choice" and that she was going to cut herself out of my life quickly.  I, in pain lying in my hospital bed, screamed back "well what the fuck are you still doing here then?? get the fuck out of here".  we shouted back and forth a few times and she hung around for a while in silence.  She eventually left and came back the next day to drive me home.  The ride home was weird but cordial.  

My interim short-term memory

Over the next few weeks we didn't talk much -- but I found out that she went to see a priest at one of the churches here.  He is very sympathetic to gays and runs the local "Fortunate Families" meetings here (think "catholic PFLAG").  He obviously said some really nice, supportive things to her.  Also, a bunch of her friends came to her support.  She even went to lunch with two of her friends who have gay kids, and I think they helped her.  We went to dinner a few weeks ago to talk about "my story", and she explained that this "wasn't about her" and that she wanted to have a relationship with me.  She said that she believes that everyone is god's children and that even though she doesn't understand "this", she loves me.  It was an amazing turn around.  She still can't really talk about it without crying, and she clearly will need a lot of time, but I think it's going to work out.  We're at least going in the right direction now -- even though its clearly baby steps.

Things with Andrew are just fantastic.  It was our 5 month anniversary yesterday and we went to dinner with some friends and then went to Spectrum the gay dance club here.  We danced and got drunk woot!  The previous night he and I went out to dinner with some of my oldest friends that were in from out of town and their mom (one of my "second moms").  It was really nice having Andrew meet my friends.  They all think he's really awesome.  I feel like we've been kind of nicely transitioning from dating to couple-mode the past few months.  I really love him, and expect and hope that we'll be in each others lives for a long long time.  Hearing about other people's relationships and the normal "rocky" stuff that seems to happen so frequently -- its nice that we're not like that.  We still haven't had a fight yet...I don't know that we "have to" but statistically seems probable at some point.  I think as long as we're still "in it" as much as we are now, we won't have any trouble.  At five months, this is now officially my longest relationship ever and _by far_ the best.  I mean its so far from the previous ones-- I never imagined a relationship like this could happen.  Our six month anniversary will be on Christmas eve, which is a neat coincidence!  

Whew... a lot has gone on in the past few months.  Let's let the next few be a bit less dramatic!

Steve

Turmoil in Steve-land

Received an e-mail this weekend that was not intended to go to me.  The email contained extremely sensitive information regarding a company that I work for.  This has happened before, because the owner's name is also "steve" but because he is really old and didn't have a computer for a long time, I got the "steve@blahblah.com" email address.  Its happened in the past that I have received emails intended for him, but they were never anything too serious.  Unfortunately, this email is insanely sensitive, and affects me and the people that I have worked with for the last 13 years.  I can't share what the email is about, but it infuriates me and worries me.  It affects one of my best friends, and might affect his financial situation, which then might affect my financial situation because he was planning on buying my house.  I cannot say anything to anyone about this email, and given some of the details -- it won't matter -- it will be happening very soon.  I hope that it's not as bad of a thing as I fear, but you never know -- in any case.... I hope it will be ok.

I'm a few weeks away from closing on my new house! Can't wait to move! Really should start packing...

My boyfriend and I are doing really well.  I was out of town all last week for work stuff and then I went to Atlanta for a little minor cosmetic surgery.  I got back home Friday night and he came over.  We spent the whole weekend with each other.  It was wonderful.  We watched a few movies together, ate a lot, laughed a lot, and found...other things to occupy our time as well ;)  He is just so right for me-- everything I wanted out of a relationship but never thought was possible to find.

I flipped through some old posts about previous boyfriends last night and there's one from last Spring talking about "L".  It's so funny how I thought that was a "good relationship".  I enjoyed hanging out with him -- we got along fine.  We shared laughs, etc., but I do that with friends.  On the real "relationship stuff" L was not a good fit for me.  He did not communicate well at all -- it made him uncomfortable.  I think that he had a hard time growing up and he learned early that he could put up a tough exterior to shield himself from pain.  I mean I only ever knew that he even actually cared for me a few times in the relationship when he would "slip up" and say something.  We could never have honest conversations.  I dealt with it at the time, because I thought something was wrong with _me_.  But now I know what its like on the other side -- to be able to talk honestly and openly about feelings with a partner.  Also, I knew in that relationship with "L" that I liked him more than he liked me.  I knew there was an inequity.  I'm sure that *never* works in the long term.  If that's how the relationship starts, then it will never change.  It's why guys can't ever "convince" girls/guys to "just give them a shot" etc. If there's no spark-- no chemistry-- no congruence on the personality things that each person needs, then it's just not going to work.  Anyways I'm really thankful that I found Andrew and that he's exactly who he is.  He makes me so happy, and I think I make him really happy too :3

One of these days I'll write a post that doesn't gush on and on about Andrew... but its got to mean something that its been over three months and both of us still feel this way -- I might be even more in love with him now than I was a month ago.  Hard to gauge, because we're in new uncharted territory for me...

Much Love,
Steve

Big things a-brewing...

Well things have been eventful in Steve-land:


 My friend is going to rent then buy my house so I can finally move out of the suburbs and into midtown where more of my friends live. Also, I found out that my boss is open to moving the office closer to midtown when our lease comes up in March so woot! I made an offer on an awesome house in midtown and it was accepted (see pictures throughout this post!)! I'm moving October 26th! The new house is awesome - much better kitchen. Better living areas. Excellent location. Can't wait!! Another benefit of moving to midtown is I'll live 5 minutes away from Andrew ;)

My boss and mentor that I've been working for since I left Rhodes resigned last Friday. My job won't really be affected, but it will be sad to not work with him on a daily basis. I'm sure I'll still see him frequently, and who knows maybe he'll have an opportunity at this new company in a few years when he can afford me ;) 

Andrew and I are still doing just awesome. It's almost our three month anniversary! Today we became "facebook-official". It's kind of interesting because I'm sure most of my friends from HS don't know that I'm gay. My facebook "interested in" has stated "men" for a while, but I hid the update when I first changed it. So this will probably be news to some people, but that's a good thing :) We had a fun weekend. Went to dinner and my favorite bar Mollie Fontaines for drinks. Met up with some of his friends and went to karaoke then crashed at his place. Saturday we had a quiet night out to dinner and a movie! Overall it was great. Woke up this morning to a cute text: "Had a great time last night! Woke up this morning thinking of you :) kisses!!"

I love him so much.  I know its got to be rare for it to be this good. I still can't help but feel like its too good -- like it scares me that its this good, because it makes me fear for what it would be like if all of this went to shit--to even imagine having to go back to the grindr/gay dating world. I didn't even install grindr on my new phone, and haven't checked on okcupid, etc. in months. I would probably never find another Andrew with his awesome smile, cute personality, and similar intellectual drive...and he apparently enjoys kissing as much as I do ;) BUT i have a strong suspicion that this one is going to work out for a while and I wont have to go back to that lonely grindr world any time soon.

Steve

Birthday Weekend!

I know that all my posts are about Andrew recently, and I'll just apologize in advance for that.  BUT (1) there's not really anything else worth blogging -- work is busy and stressful, school is busy and stressful and (2) I want to record some of these things to look back on in a while and remember.  Hopefully it will be happy memories that lead to more happiness and not "get a pint of ice cream and cry over remembering a past, now-gone relationship" :p

This weekend Andrew and I went to St Louis, MO! We met up with one of his oldest friends and her boyfriend to go to Six Flags and a music festival.  STL is a cool city too-- my parents used to live there and I really like it.

We got in Friday night and stayed at Union Station downtown. It was a really nice room. We didn't get in until pretty late so we just unpacked and relaxed in the room. Andrew gave me the Adele 21 piano songbook (sheetmusic) for my birthday, and I was so surprised and delighted I was about to explode--earlier in the car by coincidence Adele came on and I mentioned "I've been meaning to buy that songbook forever, because I love Adele, and my moms friend demands that I play it for her!"  Little did I know that he was high-fiving himself for the good fortune and coincidence!  So that was fun.  It was also our two month anniversary Friday!

We got up early Saturday to meet his friends and go to Six Flags.  We spent the day and early afternoon riding rides and having a fun time.  We all love roller coasters and rode Mr Freeze, Batman, and even the scooby doo swamp tour! I love just holding hands and walking around-- it feels so... normal and special at the same time.  I don't know what it is, but we just click well.

We left and all were drained from lots of walking and the hot sun.  Everyone went to their hotels for a while for a nap...and maybe some other things ;) We met back up for dinner at a cool Pizza place called "Pi".  We got this delicious specialty pizza with pruscuitto.  Then we went to LouFest music festival and saw Girl Talk. Its 90s rap meets modern pop music-- it was a fun dance party.  The crowd was hilarious too -- drunk white guy dancing.

Afterwards we went to the "gay street" and enjoyed the gay bar Just John.  We took a cab, and got pretty drunk.  Well Andrew got really drunk and I got fairly drunk.  We made friends with these four girls who just graduated from law school.  They were fun.  Andrew is one of these people that can make friends with girls anywhere.  They kept saying how cute of a couple we were (awwwwwww) ;)

Sunday morning was a little rough waking up and getting out of the hotel since we were out so late, but we made it without forgetting anything and met up with his friends at the awesome St Louis Galleria mall before going to the zoo! Lions Tigers and Bears, oh my!  Again lots of cutesy hand holding and couple-y things and really no awkward stares or anything from the myriad of families and "missourians" around.  I wasn't really paying attention or looking for that but I imagine anything obvious I would've noticed.  All of us enjoyed some sushi before saying our goodbyes...it went by way too fast :(

On our way out of down we drove by downtown to see the arch at sunset.  We parked on the street walked up the steps and just stared at this massive man made thing that is overwhelming when you are standing right in front of it.  It was kind of drizzling rain a little bit, but you could still see a nice sunset through the clouds.  We took advantage of the setting to exchange an "i love you" and more than a few kisses.  It was wonderful :)

It was a fantastic weekend.  I hope this is just the first of many trips we can experience together <3

oh my god im 29

only one more year until gay death :(

Looking back to my first blog post

I was just wasting time glancing back at old blog posts, and realized that I've almost been on blogger for four years.  A lot has happened in those four years.  I've finished another degree, had 3-4 "longer than one month" relationships, and grown quite a bit as a person.

Here is a snippet from my first post, describing myself:

So a little about me:

• I am 25 (I know, crazy old- I only started feeling old within the last year)
• I am a graduate student in Computer Science
• I am not stylish, particularly attractive, nor can I dance (we'll get to that in a minute)
• I am gay, but not stlyish, attractive, or dancy (well maybe not an ENTIRE minute).
• I am staunchly agnostic (next post)

It's so funny that I thought of myself as "old" at 25.  I didn't realize that I always "felt older" than my peers even back then.  How funny.  I'm now about to turn 29!? That's actually old!! What's funny though is I don't even feel that old now.  I feel great!  I was not nearly as healthy back then when I wrote this post, and I really do think being healthy changes your entire outlook on life.

I _still_ am a graduate student in computer science, but now am going for PhD and have finished the MS. Progress.

One thing that has definitely changed is my sense of style.  I kind of got "into" fashion a little bit-- I mean I would never say I'm "into" fashion, because I'm not, but I do like shopping and buying clothes now.  There are some clothes that just feel like they were made just for you, and wearing them makes you just feel better about yourself.  Maybe its all fake and stupid, but it makes me feel better and me, and there is some value in that.  So I would say that I am pretty stylish these days ;)  I still can't dance :p

I am gay.  The difference though is that now I think everyone in my life knows it, whereas in 2005, my work, mom, and some friends still didn't know.  I was kind of half in the closet.  Now all of my friends, work, and my mom and all of her friends know.  My mom and I don't talk about it, but that's going to have to change soon enough.

I don't know if I would call myself attractive still, but I will say that I am quite comfortable with my appearance and my body these days.  I have come a long way both physically and psychologically since I was 25.  I used to really hate myself and my appearance.  I don't anymore.  I'm really happy with a lot of things about me, and have enough confidence now that I don't care about the other things.

I'm claiming agnostic atheist now instead of just agnostic.  I don't think I really understood the definitions of these orthogonal concepts in 2008.

So four years down! Four years from now I'll be 33 :/  Here are some things I would like to see happen in that time period, and we'll do another one of these posts then:

• I would like to have a partner.  We live together and share our life together.  I wont jinx anything by saying who I hope this person to be, but regardless I hope by 33 I have a real/serious/long relationship and am in that mode.
• I would like to be living somewhere else.  I want to at least move to a different part of the city in the next year.  I hate the suburbs.  I'm so done with this.  I also am kind of tired of having a roommate.  I like my current one, but I don't "need" one anymore.  Ideally, I would be living in san francisco or atlanta.
• I would like to be earning about 50% more per year than I currently am.  I think in four years this is reasonable given my skill set and industry
• I would like to have completed my PhD.
• I would like to be as happy and satisfied with life as I currently am-- or better yet-- I'd like to be _more_ happy and satisfied :)
• I would like to have all of my student loans paid back and have a nice savings budget and travel budget.
• I would like to have seen more of Europe including France.

Much Love,

Steve

A special weekend I won't soon forget

I was travelling for business last week in Dallas and Houston.  It was stressful, and I really missed my normal routine with Andrew :( We exchanged texts of course throughout the week, but I missed his hugs, kisses, and smile :(  I flew back Friday, and was excited to get to hang out finally.  We went to a small house party that a friend of his was throwing.  We lost terribly at a game of beer pong (our team name was ironicialy "the titty comittee"), and spent the rest of the evening talking with a few of his friends before heading home.

Saturday we slept in then got lunch at one of my favorite local, family run sandwich shops.  Then I went on a 20 mile bike ride in the woods that was fantastic and sweaty!  I met up again with Andrew around 6pm and we went to a great local coffee shop + deli downtown for a light bite to eat.  Then we picked up a bottle of white wine and went down to the river to watch the sunset go down over the Mississippi river.  It was nice and quite romantic.  I enjoyed kissing and holding him as the sun went down.

After it got dark out, we went for dessert to split a piece of cheesecake at Cheesecake Corner, which is my favorite place in Memphis, I think.

We split a piece of the amazing cookies and cream cheesecake.  Then we went to a coffee shop for some coffee to kill time before meeting up with some of his friends.  Around 10:30 we met some of his friends to pregame before going out to the gay club, Spectrum.  His friends are so much fun.  We did a mini Rent sing-a-long, which one of them correctly pointed out really only works with "this crowd" (as everyone was either gay or lesbian).

Around midnight we headed out to the club, and caught the end of the drag show.  Then we danced for a few hours.  Going to Spectrum with Andrew is really fun.  Im sure were an obnoxiously cute couple.  I think its about 40% making out, 60% dancing :p  At one point some drunk asian twink was trying to grab at Andrew, who was trying to nicely say "Im with him (me) and not interested" but this drunk guy was not taking the hint lol.  Finally, he got it and in the most gay way did this "well fine then, fuck you" hand gesture and left.  It was funny.  I ran into two "grindr" guys there that I didn't want to run into.  Thankfully, I avoiding eye contact and pretended not to hear the one when he called my name.  We had a really great time.  Leaving the club, we kind of kissed for a second outside against the building, and this other gay couple came by.  One of the guys says "you two are just so adorable; don't lose that".  It made my day.  Like I kind of expect Andrew's friends to say things like that, but for some reason I trust random strangers...because they could just as easily have kept walking.  We dropped his friends off, then went home.

Andrew is significantly "smaller" than me just in terms of body mass/volume -- I'm a big scary masculine man with broad shoulders, and he's like a 5'6" adorable twinkish guy, but I feel like we really "fit" well.  He does this cute snuggly thing where he rests his head like on my right pec and wraps his right arm around my shoulder.  We spent a few minutes like that in bed just talking about our relationship, and how we were both so happy and so thankful.  He said that he was wondering when "the honeymoon would be over" -- because 2 months is going to come really quick and we really haven't had any bad spots yet -- no arguments, no weird miscommunications, or hurt feelings (to my knowledge).  Probabilistically, at some point, something will happen.  I hope that it never ends, but I told him that I feel like whatever it is, we'll figure it out.  I think we both have pretty accommodating personalities.  The big personality things that I find incompatible or frustrating in some people (unclear communications, omissions, general flakiness) he doesn't have, and I (as a naive overachiever) think I can solve all problems through determination and compromise.  So we'll see.

Sunday we slept in, and then I had to get ready to go graduate.  I would've liked to have invited Andrew to the graduation, but the "mom situation" is still a problem that I have to work on before introducing Andrew to her.  I got to walk across the stage for a Masters in Science degree for Computer Science! Woot woot!  Afterwards, my mom, her husband, and I went to Flight restaurant downtown for an awesome meal of deliciousness.

Now here I am writing this blog in my kitchen.

This weekend was such a fantastic time.  I love spending time with Andrew, because ...well I love Andrew.  He has really stolen my heart.  I can't even begin to describe all of the wonderful things that I feel for him.  He's just....great.  I hope that I make him as happy as he makes me.  It's still early (although I should stop saying this as its been almost 2 months), but I really could see building a wonderful partnership with Andrew-- hopefully one that will last many many years.  I want to share our lives together.

This weekend was really special for me in many ways.  I won't forget it anytime soon.  Even if everything goes to hell-- I can look back at this weekend and use it as inspiration that these kinds of relationships do in fact exist.  There are people (at least one) that fit so well with my needs (and vice versa) that it can fill my heart with so much love, I feel like it might burst.

Steve

A boyfriend named Andrew

Well this was an interesting week.  There's two parts to this post -- one is some notes to myself, then after the # below is a story and news.  So skip the boring gush-fest if you like ;)

#

I'm just going to jot down a few things I'm feeling right now as an experiment. I want to read this post again in a few months and see what I think then:

Andrew and I have been keeping up the "every two days" pace, which I kind of like.  I miss him when he's not around, and I know he misses me too -- BUT -- its still early so I think keeping some space is good.  I need space regardless.  I enjoy biking and working out alone, and have a lot of work and school commitments as well.  So a relaxed pace is good.  Plus, I think it makes us enjoy our time together better when we spend time together.

What I like most about Andrew, I can't describe: there is something about his personality that just "fits well" with me.  Its a mix of passion, compassion, intelligence, worldliness, and playful silliness.  It's actually exactly how I think of myself as well.  One thing I've always enjoyed about myself is that I am kind of silly and playful and generally don't take myself too seriously.  I find some people get embarrassed with themselves and end up missing out on all of the fun things about being human!  I don't mean that I'm irresponsible or shameless-- I just think its silly to bother with what others think all the time.  I love random humor and find laughs in things that many others don't get at all.  I think Andrew and I really click in that way and find familiarity with each other in many ways.

With respect to passion and compassion, I love that he is someone who actually cares about things.  I think this comes from a few things: one is maturity.  I find that people who aren't naive about the world tend to realize that the world is bigger than them.  And these people generally find interest in all sorts of places... because the world is really interesting!  There's so much to learn and experience and think about and we have _so_ little time to do that.  That's my worldview at least, and to be honest, I don't think I can really relate to people that don't share this to some degree.  Andrew smartly did a study abroad in Europe and has been to Africa.  I love his attention to other people and his interest in the world.

Another thing I want to remind "future-Steve" about is our communication.  In every relationship I've had thus far, I always feel that I am "over-communicative".  I have _always_ been the one trying to neurotically decide if I should text or not text or express my emotion or not.  I still do that with Andrew too, but I get feedback from him whereas in every other relationship, it was always with people apparently incapable of expressing adult emotions.  The only two "long" relationships that I've had were both with people where it was like pulling teeth just to even talk to them about anything real.  I like a healthy balance of light and deep talk, but I know that I need to be able to have open, honest conversations.  I need to be able to talk openly.  I don't think I've mastered this yet, because I still feel the need to process/filter myself, but at least with Andrew I think he is similar in that sense.  I think both of us are mature adults that want to have that kind of relationship, even though it obviously takes time to get there.  This is something I actually didn't think was possible for me -- I didn't think I would ever meet someone like me in that way.

Lastly, physically we just seem to "fit" well -- we both like holding hands, kissing, doing normal healthy relationship things.  I think we both feel really comfortable like that, and its really nice.  We went to a concert on Thursday and it was so nice just being able to put my arms around him and be a normal couple enjoying music.  In general I didn't notice any awkward glances or anything from other people in the crowd -- I mean it is 2012 for fucks sake.  But one old fat redneck guy walking our way apparently heading to the bathroom kind of stopped and stared for a second--apparently trying to parse what he was seeing.  He didn't say anything but seemed kind of freaked out.  I call that a win ;)

#

So we had a nice week of a few dates, and after the concert Thursday we hung out at my place and talked.  He brought up whether we wanted to talk about labels or anything.  We both agreed that labels really didn't change anything or define anything, but that it would be nice to not have to awkwardly correct people and its nice to have a label when introducing each other to new people, etc.  So I said "well then I would kind of like to have a boyfriend named Andrew" and he said "well I'd like to have a boyfriend named Steve" and we kissed and it was nice :)

One thing that we like doing is we'll both sit at the piano and I will play and he will sing.  He likes the song "When Somebody Loved Me" from Toy Story 2.  I happened to have that song, and I played it for him and he shed a little tear. It was so cute.  He stayed the night and it was so nice waking up next to him the next morning.

This is really good.  I'm really happy :)

Much Love,
Steve

Dating pace

This post is really for me.  I want to think through some dating pace ideas.  I've now had four dates with A-- all of which have been very long compared to my typical dates, and the last two have ended with him staying over the night.  As I mentioned in the previous post, I really haven't connected with someone so well before, and its absolutely a consequence of congruent personalities.  Its quite interesting to me, because every other person I've dated always had some divergent personality traits that didn't click up with me 100%.  At the time, I wrote it off as "well I'm weird so no one will really click" and moved on.  And don't get me wrong -- I still liked those relationships too-- and even fell "in love" a couple of times.

For A I think all of the pieces are there: (1) he is emotionally mature, open, and able to communicate his intents and feelings.  I always felt that I was an over-communicative person, and I actually like that. I think its really a hallmark of self-actualization and maturity.  (2) He seems to be able to disarm my insecurities and make me feel comfortable with him -- and I know that I do the same for him as well. (3) I know we're both pleased with each others physical appearance.  (4) I think we're both passionate people that are curious and interested in the world and human behavior.  (5) We both want similar goals-- we both want someone to share life with.

So I think we have all of our ingredients together-- now its just time to bake this fucking cake.  And I do feel that one can fuck up perfectly good relationships by sloppy execution.  New relationships are always tricky because you are embarking on something that will change your daily life (possibly, if it goes well), and at the beginning the overwhelming excitement and novelty of the possible future is intoxicating.  As that new car scent wears off is when the real stuff starts.

So 4 dates -- we're still "dating".  Although he did talk about "where this was heading" and mentioned boyfriends, which I agreed that was what I wanted as well.  It's too early to put labels unnecessarily as that  puts weird constraints and tension and expectations.  I love the fact that he wants to talk about it -- because that's what I have always wanted in a relationship that has always been lacking: mature, honest conversation. (1) So how long to wait until we talk about labels? a month? (2) How long before meeting family?  Both of us are out to our moms, but not whole family -- so that doesn't really matter.  (3) How long before saying "I love you"? a month as well?

I guess I feel like 4-6 weeks is enough time for the new scent to wear off if you are seeing each other every couple days.  Then once that's happened words like "boyfriend" and "love" have much more meaning.  What would it even mean to call someone a boyfriend after just a few weeks?

I don't want us to get burnt out early or too over-bearing too early.  Like I said all signs are pointing to "go" right now -- and the red flags of "over clingy-ness" or "unrealistic expectations" or "complete immaturity" are nowhere to be found.  This is more difficult for me as I have a really busy life and I am easily distracted.  I certainly don't want to fuck up what I have worked for either -- I want to manage both well.  I think I can do it.  I hope I can do it.


*fingers crossed*
Steve

A new chapter?

Well its been a month since Mr L left the picture and really feels like 6-7 weeks because he didn't really communicate with me the last few weeks he was in town. In the interim since my last post, quite a lot has happened in my typically boring life:

• Montreal! My company sent me to Montreal. I thoroughly enjoyed it.  Met a lot of intelligent people.  Visited a number of gay clubs.  Ate some fantastic food.  Spent way too much shopping :p
• NYC! Vacationed for 8 days in New York.  I thoroughly enjoyed it.  Met a lot of intelligent people.  Visited a number of gay clubs including the Twink bar: Splash and the anti-twink bar: Cock.  Ate some fantastic food.  Got to meet two twitterers for dinner while I was there, which was great!
• Went on a first, second, and third date with a new guy, I'll call "A".  He is 23, smart, cute, empathetic, and very fun.  As I have mentioned on this blog before, I've done a fair amount of dating in the past 12 months -- not a ton -- but a fair amount.  All I can say is that this experience with A is unique.  I have never felt like this for someone so early.  Probably a bad thing, but I hope its not.  He hits all of the right "personality buttons" for me-- and I think its really because he is so communicative.  I am very communicative myself.  I don't like ambiguity-- not knowing how one feels about me/something.  Maybe it stems from my insecurity or something, but I like talking like emotionally mature adults.  I feel no games with A so far-- and given he has less dating experience with me-- and he is a 100% genuine sweet guy -- I feel pretty good about this.  Ugh I'm getting a little scared I'm letting my heart get into something too quickly and too soon, but won't know unless I try.  We'll see how it goes -- I don't want to jinx anything or mess this up so I'm just going with the flow and trying to regulate my otherwise overjoyed enthusiasm.

That's all :)

Steve

Steve is an emotional girl..and Im good with that

My world has been ok lately. Mr. L's expiration date is getting closer. He moves in a week and a half. I would be lying if I said that it didn't cross my mind a few times a day and make me sad. He knows that I'm sad about it, and has been acting distant-ish -- probably as some dumb effort to make it easier on me or something. But it is what it is.

As a self-centered person, I'm taking this opportunity to reflect on how I've reacted and behaved during this time. Part of me says that well if I had tried harder not to get so attached, then it wouldn't be painful for him to go away. And this is certainly true. The other part of me says that pain itself is cathartic. We have to experience the pain in order to contrast the good. In this particular case, had I distanced myself more at the start, then I would've missed out on a number of fun moments and experiences. I'm sure that I always took the relationship more seriously than L, because he always knew that he was maybe moving, and he is more guarded than me. He has clearly forged high walls around his heart from previous relationships, and that protects him (numbs him) from the potential for pain.

I have experienced pain in my life before: I have been in love and hurt before. I've been let down in my career and had to watch all of my coworkers and mentors get laid off. I lost my dad before he ever got the chance to see the kind of man I've become. I know that I was dealt a hand perhaps better than most, but it doesn't mean that pain is foreign, and the lesson that I have taken away is that pain -- however great -- is temporary. And the lessons that come from pain are useful. I've never experienced anything as horrible as my dad passing away suddenly, without warning, and without being able to see him or say goodbye -- NOTHING is like that pain. And yet from that, I learned to value my own life, and those around me in a profound way that can't be learned except through experience.

Should we wall ourselves off? I think its a philosophical difference. I think I prefer open-ness and more risk. I think this is partly a consequence of naivete and partly a consequence of my age. I stopped caring about normative social and dating behavior a number of years ago. When I was in college, I was consumed with not embarassing myself, and "ran away" from many social situations in order to work on school and professional growth activities. I worked so hard in undergraduate partly as a consequence of my personal insecurity. Now as an "adult" I have plenty of confidence to not worry about silly embarassment. I have a successful career, and while I have some esoteric interests, I am sure that I will meet many new people and have many successful relationships in my future.

Knowing all of that-- how does that change my opinion of the last few months? Should that in and of itself make me less invested in this current "relationship" (big air quotes there)? I don't think so -- I think I'm happy with the fact that I "fell in like/love/lesbians" and enjoyed it -- even with an impending expiration date. We've shared a lot of pleasant evenings: shared some great meals, enjoyed wonderful music, drank our weight in alcohol, and watched some cheesy movies -- and it was all fun.

So I'm a bit of a girl. I get attached and emotional to things perhaps too easily. And sure that causes some pain. But I think its a necessary and useful part of the human experience. After all at the end of the day, all we have is our experiences, memories, and stories. The quality of our lives is surely measured through the richness of these artificts of our history.

<3

Steve

Of course

So a few weeks ago L accepted the new fellowship so he will be leaving. The first week I was really sad and not sure how I wanted to proceed in the relationship. Part of me wanted him to just go away as it would prevent me from getting any more attached. But we hung out a few times that week and it was so nice that I decided meh I'll just enjoy the time we have left. He has made remarks about me moving to Cincy, but the reality is that I have a great, unique job and team here. I have a mortgage, and it wouldn't be fair to either of us for there to be some big inequity and risk one of us resenting the other if it didn't work out. Perhaps our paths will cross again in the future.

So the last week or so I've come to accept that there is an expiration date and really I'm fine with it. I think I was more anxious about the uncertainty and now that I know and have come to terms with it its fine. Maybe I am getting better at managing my girl emotions :p

In other news, my mom has been acting really weird the last two weeks. Usually we talk every other day and she's usually always really happy to talk to me and always says I love you etc. she has talked to me _once_ in the last two weeks and thats after I called her a dozen times and even texted her husband wondering what was wrong. When we did talk she was a complete bitch -- had a angry antagonistic attitude. Kept telling me she wasn't mad which was ironic as she had one of the most angry tones when she said it. So weird. I tried calling her today and ... no answer.

I really don't know what she's upset about, but I know her well enough to know that she's upset about something. I didn't go to nasvhille for easter as she asked me to. But she only gave me two days notice and I alreaday had plans + a house guest in town that weekend so there really was no way for me to go.

Part of me wonders if maybe one of her friends saw L and I out somewhere. We go to a lot of nice restaurants and places and certainly it would be possible. If they did, then it would probably be vary obvious that we are a couple. We do cute couples things like hold hands at the table sometimes. When we're standing waiting somewhere he'll rest his head on my shoulder, etc. Just normal couples-ey kinds of things. I hope thats it. I hope one of her haughty friends saw us and made my mom embarrassed. She needs to get over this shit. I'm fucking 28 years old. I'm extremely responsible, intelligent, great work ethic, blah blah -- I mean as far as sons go-- things could be WAAAY WORSE. To a middle-aged "mom" -- I've got to be awesome on paper (besides the gay thing maybe) -- so she should be proud of her son and happy that she clearly did something right. And stop getting so irrationally upset because I happen to like guys. Fucking moms...

Steve

And of course things were going too well

So as I mentioned a few blog posts ago (or maybe the last blog post) there is a wrinkle in my relationship with L. There is some drama in his phd program, and it may be in his best interest to go to another program in a different state pretty far away (very far away). He was accepted to that other program, so he will probably be moving in the summer. He has a few "hail marys" that would keep him here, but otherwise, he will be moving.

As a rational person, I obviously want him to do whatever is in his best interest. In his field, the graduate mentorship and post-doc positions are very important. However, as a human, I can't help but feel quite sad about this.

He came over last night and we talked about it a fair amount. He feels strongly for me, and wants to stay in Memphis, but knows that he has to do what is right for his career. He said that he is "in lesbians" with me (a scott pilgrim reference, which means he loves me), and that "these things never really end". I certainly agree with all of that -- and perhaps our paths would cross again one day.

So I'll keep my fingers crossed for "hail marys" and if it doesn't work, then this will have just been a very fulfilling relationship-- albeit short-lived. The unfortunate part is that I know that the L's of the world or relatively rare. I think I'm a bit of an odd-duck myself (point of pride)-- how frequently do you run across another science geek, caring, cute, not perfect, somewhat arrogant, sarcastic, playful, classical-music-loving, art-loving, foodie guy that you just click with on many levels :/ I'll say that in 28 years Ive found few...so.... probabilistically the odds aren't with me to find another in the near term. My window is closing-- I'm getting old.

Fuck the world.

A Not Happy Steve

One month in

So friday was the one month mark for the guy I've been dating, which I will call "L". Things are going really well. We seem to click on a lot of levels-- we definitely aren't identical people but we are similar in the things I find very important (career drive, studious, intellectual, empathetic, caring, romantic) and congruent in the things that were are dissimilar. After four weeks with multiple "dates" per week, this is probably the most promising start to a relationship that I have had.

So hurrah for that-- the only bad news is there is a lot of drama going on around his PhD program right now-- the net result is that he may move if he gets a spot in a program that he is currently waitlisted. So that would suck big time. But you know I can't do anything about that. I can however have a good time at the moment and if nothing else I'm learning a little bit about myself and have proven the fact that while unlikely (from past statistics) another person can make me very happy--happy enough to sacrifice my time and possible future pain and heart-ache.

A Very Happy Steve.

I met a boy that I kinda like

Hiya blog. It's been a while, eh?

Well my world is pretty much same old same old. Only new news is that I met someone that makes my little heart go a flutter. Its too soon to tell of course, and I certainly don't want to jinx anything, but he's the first person I've met in the last year or so that even made me want to try and go for a relationship. I've been doing a fair amount of dating in the last 12 months. I met a lot of nice guys, but no one that I really wanted to risk interrupting my busy life for.

I met him on OKCupid a number of months ago, and we've just been kind of talking back and forth a bit. Finally we met for dinner last Friday. I will say that it was the first date where I was really upset when it ended. Usually, I don't really like first dates. They are ok and I enjoy meeting new people, but usually by the time the night is over-- I'm ready to go back to my little world. In this case, I was upset that I had to go back to my little world! and I think he felt the same.

So I'm going to go with the flow and see how this goes :)

#

In other #randomFact news- I went jogging today as it was the first really nice day outside in a long time. I was listening to the song Wait by M83 (below) and started passing by this big lake on the Chickasaw trail in Shelby Farms. For whatever reason the combination of the song and beautiful scenery made me stop and just take it all in for a few minutes.

There was something profound about standing there and looking at this huge body of water with countless little ripples from the wind blowing across its surface. I stood at the shoreline and just stared for the remainder of the song -- wondering about the various sources of complexities and histories that lead to that particular scene I was witnessing. The endless bevy of climate forces and terrain features that lead the wind to display that _particular_ ripple pattern; the indescribable amount of information contained in that single tableau of experience just for that second; the fact that it took 14 billion years in the making to craft this single moment in time. It felt almost unfair and not respectful that the moment should pass without notice. As the song reached its climax at around minute 4:42 I unexpectedly began to tear up a bit. I wasn't sad-- I wasn't happy. I was just enjoying one of the great consequences of our biology -- a hallmark of humanity: emotionally experiencing something truly remarkable in the unremarkable.