Steve is an emotional girl..and Im good with that

My world has been ok lately. Mr. L's expiration date is getting closer. He moves in a week and a half. I would be lying if I said that it didn't cross my mind a few times a day and make me sad. He knows that I'm sad about it, and has been acting distant-ish -- probably as some dumb effort to make it easier on me or something. But it is what it is.

As a self-centered person, I'm taking this opportunity to reflect on how I've reacted and behaved during this time. Part of me says that well if I had tried harder not to get so attached, then it wouldn't be painful for him to go away. And this is certainly true. The other part of me says that pain itself is cathartic. We have to experience the pain in order to contrast the good. In this particular case, had I distanced myself more at the start, then I would've missed out on a number of fun moments and experiences. I'm sure that I always took the relationship more seriously than L, because he always knew that he was maybe moving, and he is more guarded than me. He has clearly forged high walls around his heart from previous relationships, and that protects him (numbs him) from the potential for pain.

I have experienced pain in my life before: I have been in love and hurt before. I've been let down in my career and had to watch all of my coworkers and mentors get laid off. I lost my dad before he ever got the chance to see the kind of man I've become. I know that I was dealt a hand perhaps better than most, but it doesn't mean that pain is foreign, and the lesson that I have taken away is that pain -- however great -- is temporary. And the lessons that come from pain are useful. I've never experienced anything as horrible as my dad passing away suddenly, without warning, and without being able to see him or say goodbye -- NOTHING is like that pain. And yet from that, I learned to value my own life, and those around me in a profound way that can't be learned except through experience.

Should we wall ourselves off? I think its a philosophical difference. I think I prefer open-ness and more risk. I think this is partly a consequence of naivete and partly a consequence of my age. I stopped caring about normative social and dating behavior a number of years ago. When I was in college, I was consumed with not embarassing myself, and "ran away" from many social situations in order to work on school and professional growth activities. I worked so hard in undergraduate partly as a consequence of my personal insecurity. Now as an "adult" I have plenty of confidence to not worry about silly embarassment. I have a successful career, and while I have some esoteric interests, I am sure that I will meet many new people and have many successful relationships in my future.

Knowing all of that-- how does that change my opinion of the last few months? Should that in and of itself make me less invested in this current "relationship" (big air quotes there)? I don't think so -- I think I'm happy with the fact that I "fell in like/love/lesbians" and enjoyed it -- even with an impending expiration date. We've shared a lot of pleasant evenings: shared some great meals, enjoyed wonderful music, drank our weight in alcohol, and watched some cheesy movies -- and it was all fun.

So I'm a bit of a girl. I get attached and emotional to things perhaps too easily. And sure that causes some pain. But I think its a necessary and useful part of the human experience. After all at the end of the day, all we have is our experiences, memories, and stories. The quality of our lives is surely measured through the richness of these artificts of our history.

<3

Steve