So as I mentioned a few blog posts ago (or maybe the last blog post) there is a wrinkle in my relationship with L. There is some drama in his phd program, and it may be in his best interest to go to another program in a different state pretty far away (very far away). He was accepted to that other program, so he will probably be moving in the summer. He has a few "hail marys" that would keep him here, but otherwise, he will be moving.
As a rational person, I obviously want him to do whatever is in his best interest. In his field, the graduate mentorship and post-doc positions are very important. However, as a human, I can't help but feel quite sad about this.
He came over last night and we talked about it a fair amount. He feels strongly for me, and wants to stay in Memphis, but knows that he has to do what is right for his career. He said that he is "in lesbians" with me (a scott pilgrim reference, which means he loves me), and that "these things never really end". I certainly agree with all of that -- and perhaps our paths would cross again one day.
So I'll keep my fingers crossed for "hail marys" and if it doesn't work, then this will have just been a very fulfilling relationship-- albeit short-lived. The unfortunate part is that I know that the L's of the world or relatively rare. I think I'm a bit of an odd-duck myself (point of pride)-- how frequently do you run across another science geek, caring, cute, not perfect, somewhat arrogant, sarcastic, playful, classical-music-loving, art-loving, foodie guy that you just click with on many levels :/ I'll say that in 28 years Ive found few...so.... probabilistically the odds aren't with me to find another in the near term. My window is closing-- I'm getting old.
Fuck the world.
A Not Happy Steve
Happy Thanksgiving!
1 year ago
5 comments:
The window's not closing, not yet.
And, if it turns out that you'll have loved and lost, you're both better off 1) knowing that it can happen at all and 2) having all those good memories.
well, *pff try to stay there please, maybe something will working in the future, you Americans have this strange desire to find hope in change, this is not always working. God bless you!
Thanks guys for the comments. Yes Austin I totally agree -- I actually never expected to find someone so congruent to "steve". I thought I would always find someone and have a good long term relationship, but I resigned my expectations to accept that I would be making a lot of concessions and would never find someone that "fits" really well. So in this sense, I am so happy for the experience. And we still have a lot of time too -- months. I don't mean to sound so dire in this post. I was feeling melancholy this morning after he left, but really I'm quite happy. It has been really fun, and surely will continue to be for the next few months. I certainly have no regrets. And hopefully can remember to stay positive about this as the relationship's "expiration date" nears...
Steve
I'm trying to make things work from afar. It's sad, and hard. DJ and I have only been apart a week, but it feel like longer.
If your experience parallels mine, you may have time to build up a solid relationship that could withstand the distance. As it is, I don't know if mine will. I'd like it to.
however..."better to have loved, and, lost, than never to have loved all." Hope it works out for you.
--Davey
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