- The first thing she said to me was "Out of respect for your mother, just don't ever embarrass me. Her embarrassment is clearly more important than a relationship with her son.
- She kept rhetorically asking (apparently god) what she did wrong and why everything was always taken away from her (referring to my dad, who passed away, and apparently me).
- She kept "making a case" against me in her mind. Saying things like "we'll you've made your choice". "You are free, white, and 21 so I can't make your choices for you". And that she needs to put time and distance between us so that she can cope and live out the rest of her life. If I hear one more time that I am free, white, and 21, I'm going to scream. I can't imagine a more stupid thing to say. Hello, 1930.
- She was still being overly dramatic saying things like: "I'm going to move to Nasvhille, and I'll send you a postcard with the address so that you know where to pick up the box when I die. You can just dump it in the ground next to your father."
- She asked me about which of my friends were gay, and out of left field, asked if I "did something" with my sophomore religion teacher from high school and "if that's when all this mess started". I have no idea where this came from. Strangely, I did find my sophomore religion teacher very attractive :-) This was the year when I became a bit anti-religion. So I assume that's what she was thinking.
We talked in the morning, and it really upset me for the whole day. I was very calm on the phone, and just kept repeating that I had faith that she would feel better and be able to logically think about the situation in the future. I told her that she just needs to remember in the back of her mind that I am the same normal, caring, intelligent, responsible, and boring person-- and that I will be right here ready to have a relationship with her.
In the midst of all of this, I talked with Person X, and the relationship is over. Interestingly, I knew, rationally, that it was a bad set of circumstances for both of us. But the immature, emotional 14 year old girl inside of me was just having too much fun being "in love". So even though I hurt for a few hours on Saturday, I feel really good about his decision now. I think it's the right one. We are really in very different places in life, and there's just no reason to force things that shouldn't be forced. I felt like we were probably both making concessions, and we just shouldn't need to do that. So all's well that ends well, and I hope we can remain friends without any awkwardness-- certainly I don't feel awkward. He is a fun person to be around, and I need all the friends IRL that I can get! :-)
SOOOOO.... after a really emotional Saturday, I woke up Sunday feeling pretty good about things. I decided to let my mom contact me next, because she clearly needed time. She txted me Monday morning while I was at work and said:
I love you, you are my son, but I do not love your choices in life. This has broken my heart. I love you, Mom.
This actually made me a bit worried, because I knew that her dad committed suicide when she was 16, and so idk I'm just nervous because she is not in a good mental state. So I called her fiance, and was very pleasantly surprised that he is going to be an ally and a good influence on her through all of this. He said that he thought she would be fine, it would just take time, but that he didn't want her to say anything that she would regret. I apologized to him for adding more stress in his life, and he said that I should call him whenever I want to talk. He is a good man.
Later, I responded to her text:
I love you too, and I don't know how to convince you that I haven't been offered any choices-- no more than you were. I have faith that in time you will know this. I don't want to cause you any more pain than I clearly have-- so I will stay away for however long you need, but I'm here and want to have a relationship with you. It's just silly to let something so unimportant eclipse an entire life and relationship with the most important person in my life.
Days went by and we didn't communicate. Finally on Thursday night she sent just "Will you get help? I'll go with you". I probably came across as a jerk, but replied with:
It's good to hear from you. The APA, all of real science, history, observation of other species, most cultures in the world, and even the catholic church recognize that this is a natural phenomena-- not a defect. There is no "help" that one could or should get. Given all of that, I think it more appropriate to ask if you will get help? I will go with you. I would like to understand why you feel so strongly about something, which you obviously know so little about. I don't mean to sound rude-- I just care about you and hate that you are so upset about this. You don't need to be. I love you.
We exchanged a few messages in the morning, and I sent this:
I'm not saying you're stupid- I apologize that I came off that way. However, I just dont understand why you feel the way that you feel. You hold an opinion, which contradicts all of my knowledge and experience, and you dont even seem willing to humbly give me the benefit of the doubt (considering the overwhelming evidence to the contrary). I am unfamiliar with this type of reasoning. When I am not familiar with something (engine repair, for example), I might have ideas or naive opinions, but I defer to experts when faced with new info. It's just unecessary to take such a posture-- especially when it comes at such a high cost.
I hate to keep sounding like I'm lecturing, but I want to try to keep pushing logic and reason in her face instead of allowing her naive gut reactions dominate her thought process. I don't know if it's helping and its definitely too soon, but I'm only responding to her requests-- not shoving it in her face.
In what I think is a good sign, she called me Friday to see if I could take care of her dog. She also told me that she was going to try to bring my desk back from Dallas. Both of these are interesting since last week she said (a) I would never take care of Maggie (her dog) again, and (b) she would never step foot on my property again.
Baby steps...
Overall, I am doing well considering the circumstances. I feel good about my decision to tell her, just bad about the timing. I feel very alone right now, and as silly as it sounds: without twitter and a few really good friends, I would've lost it. Thanks to everyone who went out of their way to blog about me, direct message me, or send me well-wishes. It really meant a lot.
Sorry for the long post :/
Much Love,
Steve
14 comments:
Hmmph. Interestingly enough, my mom's making a bit of progress too. She asked if I'd "seen anyone." This time, in light of chats with various people (including you) I told her "Probably, but no one that I remember." I could kind of hear a smile in her voice when she replied "Interesting response..."
Maybe the whole "Mom, Dad, I'm dating" thing won't be so hard.
When you see her next time face-to-face, hopefully things go well.
Well, do not let your mother subject you to emotional blackmail. The comment about her burial is just that.
I have only today read your blog, but I gather you are financially independent. So go about your own way and be emotionally independent also. You will be fine.
Many years ago, my father explained to me, in a long letter, how I should live my life. I wrote back and told him no. He replied that he would never speak to me again. The resulting silence, which lasted for several years, was really a relief.
It doesn't look as bleak a situation as last week.
I think you're behaving in an incredibly mature and reasoning/reasonable way, even though you're hurting so terribly. sadly the reasoning is probably going to take some time to work with your mum who has such big barriers to break down.
I'm wishing you the strength to carry on. I'm sure you feel a relationship with your mum is a prize worth fighting for, I hope she comes to realise that very soon.
all the best
torchy!
Sounds like things are progressing in the right direction. I think your way of dealing with the situation is basically perfect, so stick to it and all will be great! *hugs*
You're handling things just fine, and believe your mother will get over it sooner than you expect.
Boy, did that "free, white and 21" ring true. My mother used the same phrase whenever she wanted to tell me that I'd be on my own, or had a right to make a "jackass" of myself. It was certainly a favorite among southern ladies of a certain age. She thought boys could be corrupted into becoming gays, and vetoed my being instructed by a gay piano teacher at the music school I attended, because she didn't want the poor man to get his hands on me. Even I knew he was probably the best they had on staff, and I was 8 years old at the time.
Regarding relationships, you ought to read the latest post at justindunes@blogspot.com regarding how gay males should go about chosing partners. All of the stuff he's printing on this subject has been good.
Do they give mothers some kind of script? It's crazy how many of these phrases my mom used too (except that free, white thing, of course). Your responses are great- you're not lecturing her, but you're also standing your ground.
It's been almost a year since I told my parents and I gotta tell you it does get better.
Again, congrats, and keep us updated.
:( I'm so sad to hear that, but it's probably also hard for her, cause maybe she expected some grandsons... I can only imagine how my mom would react. She'll probably be disappointed, cause she's so old fashioned :( That's why I'll never come out to my parrents :(((
Just give her some more time, she's more open minded then my mother, she'll get over that... And I think that your relationship is going in right direction...
hey dude , im so sorry comin out 2 ur mom went so badly..its good 2 see that she seems 2 to be comin round a lil bit..i recently told my gparents and they were shocked but supportive,im seein them this week end cuz my mom and dad are away for their anniversary so guees well be doin a lot of talkin..i plan on tellin my parents some time next week ,guess ill see ..hope things get better soon.
It's rather sad that things haven't changed all that much in the 35 years since I came out to my parents. My mother told me that my boyfriend was never allowed to come over again. It took a few years, but when my first lover and I were together, we were always welcome in their home, as they were in ours. It sounds like you are handling the situation very well. Interesting that she made it all about her, how it affected her and not how difficult it might be for you. Certainly gives an insight into her personality.
I'm so happy for you that you were able to come out to your mom. I remember when I did it and a week later during my physical she wanted me to ask the doctor if there was a shot for what I have. That was more than a year ago and I am confident that you and your mom will be close.
Steve!
It could be MUCH worse!
Some parents/family completely abandon an out family member.
At least your mom is keeping the communication open with you. That is a GOOD thing!
Don't forget that right now she's in a state of shock and mourning.
She has to give up the notion of you getting married (to a woman), having kids, and the two of you building a life together.
She literally is mourning what she wanted for you in your life.
So give her time and continue to talk to her. Don't be defensive and listen to what she has to say. Tell her how you're feeling rather than your opinion on what it means to be gay.
I hope she's doing well!
-Dean
Wow...i have been out of touch for a LONG time. I'm proud of you for coming out to your mom. That took guts. In time things will smooth over with your mom. My parents, although accepting, are still not entirely comfortable with me being gay. This is evidenced by my dad calling my boyfriend "your friend" lol. We really need to catch up sometime my friend. Take care!
@Deadwing
YES! We need to chat soon! I do miss chatting with you. See ya around :-)
Well it sounds like you have had one hell of a time :s.
Best thing i can tell you is that it all gets a little easier every day. My mum once said she would never accept me as a gay man, and she thought I was as good as dead.
Last weekend she made dinner for me and my bf, :)
Keep smiling mr, and speaking as one geek to another, GEEKS are COOL :D.
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