Well when I was 15 I made a new friend, whom we will call Joey (not his actual name, but a cute name none the less). Joey and I were in band together, and quickly became good friends. So over the course of a few months, I realized that I had a growing crush on Joey. I had had crushes on straight guys before, but this felt a little different... I felt like I was getting signs that maybe Joey had some of the same feelings. I swear there were some things that seemed unmistakable. Right after I turned 16 I decided to come out to Joey and just see what happened. I thought for sure that he would tell me he was gay too. Obviously this was a big event for me, so I remember all of my feelings, where I was sitting -- everything -- really well.
We were chatting over AIM and I mentioned that I had something that was really personal, a secret, that I had never shared with anyone. After a few minutes of stalling, I finally just told him that I was bi (I considered myself bi at the time).
It was a very interesting feeling. I felt a tremendous, profound sense of relief and something else-- elation(?). Prior to this, I had only ever chatted with a few random online guys and talked briefly about being gay. We didn't have Twitter, and there wasn't this amazing healthy ecosystem of gay/bi bloggers where you could vent and feel some sense of community. Sorry, didn't mean to turn this into a "walk uphill both ways" kinda story-- this was just like the year 2000...not 1974 :-)
He said that he was totally cool with it and happy that I told him. We kept talking and I was kinda waiting for him to tell me he was the same way...and nothing... :-( I remember even asking him: so are there any secrets you want to share since I'm doing a lot of sharing right now?? :-) And he told me a few things, but not that he secretly liked guys and wanted to have a million babies with me like I was hoping.
I was a little depressed about that, but the overwhelming good feelings that I had just getting it off my chest made it all ok. We became even better friends and remained close all the way through high school. We kept in touch through college a little and I've seen him a few times, but we kinda lost touch. Now it wasn't all great-- my crush didn't go away immediately. It got bad actually and at one point I after drinking at a party I wrote a really mean email, I suppose trying to "push him away". It was stupid. I apologized the next day and we were ok. I still feel so bad about this even today.
I don't think I told anyone else for a month or so and then it just became like a game of deciding who I was going to tell next and going for it. I had a whole spiel that I delivered...lol how silly it seems looking back on it. I never had a bad reaction in high school, and most of my friends knew by senior year. I had one kinda bad reaction while I was an assistant manager of a movie theatre in college: accidentally most of the staff found out and a couple of the guys that kinda looked up to me came up to me almost in tears and said "its not true is it"-- it was kinda crappy.
What's the point of all this: overall I am extremely happy that I came out to my friends in high school when I did. College became very busy for me, and I didn't have the friend groups that I did in HS-- so it wouldn't have been as fun. I loved that I could be myself around my friends, and there were even a few other secretly gay guys at my school that it was fun to have a mutual secret with :-)
Oh and I even told my Chemistry teacher my senior year, and she was so cool with it! She even paired me with the guy I had a huge crush on :-) Ugh- I loved her... I felt so bad that I did soooo poorly on the AP Chem exam (stayed up super late to watch Attack of the Clones screening at the movie theatre) :-(
Oh and Kurt looked HOT in this week's Glee! And even hotter here OMG *screams like a school girl*
Much Love,
Steve
4 comments:
Hey bud our Gaydar sometimes go's a bit crazy ayleast Joey was cool.
Yeahe is stunning in that pic
Eddie
Hah, Wow. I told *no one* in high school. Everyone (going to an all guys school) used being gay as a derogatory thing. I wasn't going there, even though I knew I was 100% not straight and I suspected a few guys were in the same boat. At least one of them definitely is gay. A few other guys surprised me.
~G.
LOL
Oh and Kurt looked HOT in this week's Glee! And even hotter here OMG *screams like a school girl*
Seeing you right that has just cheered me up a bit
Well I'm glad that he was able to at least accept you for who you are
One of my work friends once complained loudly that all the good men are either married or gay.
Dont we all wish that the gay part was true :D
Scott xx
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