<rant>
I frustrate the fuck out of myself.
I hate that no matter how hard we try, self-diagnose, rationally break down, cognitively understand something-- at the end of the day we are prisoners of our own neural physiology.
I rationally know that value should be defined in ways that have little do with physical appearance and more to do with non-physical attributes. I know that after a week or so, someone's "hotness" won't be novel anymore and what will really matter is all of the non-physical attributes. Yet I can't seem to get my autonomic nervous system to adapt to this understanding. My perception of attraction is still largely based on a very immature, narrow physical metric. There are a lot of guys that I really connect with and love (in the platonic sense of the word). But my heart doesnt race and I don't feel that sense of elation when they walk by like I do when a really hot guy walks by. This is STUPID. I am a grown ass man! I should've left all of this middle school 14 yo girl crap behind in fucking middle school.
So loneliness aside, that's not the biggest problem. The other side effect (I think of the same psychological root) is that I hold myself to this narrow, unrealistic, stupid standard. I have such horribly low self-image that it causes me depression. This is also STUPID. And completing the grand cycle of shit that is my brain--this depression makes me frustrated because of my lack of ability ot control my childlike emotions that that makes me further upset (like right now). So I go from depressed to angry to sad back to anger-- throw in a dash of loneliness and we have a shit existence.
And this is STUPID. I am an extremely capable, fortunate person. I've received more coincidental "good breaks" in my life to allow me to achieve a relatively high degree of "success" (by some definition) in a short amount of time. I am very happy about that and feel very fortunate (almost said blessed!). I realize that I _should_ be thankful and happy and stop fucking complaining. Yet again-- a rational understanding which I'm completely unable to ingrain into my neurons.
I'm at a real loss here. normally I keep "busy" enough to not worry about these unimportant details, and can keep focused on school and work. Unfortunately every once in a while I have a bad day (like today) and it just consumes me.
I'm ashamed of myself. As a capable, intelligent person, I shouldn't be shackled to such immaturity.
</rant>
Happy Thanksgiving!
1 year ago
7 comments:
I hate to break it to you, but you're out-numbered and out-classed.
By that I mean that the mechanisms that go into keeping you alive and governing 80-90% of your behavior have been at this for hundreds of thousands of years. You can't shut them down or stop them simply because you want to. Try willing your heart to stop, or holding your breath until you die. At some point, the body takes control again.
A favored author calls it "the error of the Illuminati": the false idea that it's possble to be completely in control of ourselves. It's not. We're animals, biological beings, and we must react in certain ways to certain stimuli. There's no choice.
That isn't to say we're animalistic. We have a choice of what comes next. We can't stop ourselves from feeling something, but we can stop most outward actions from taking place. Most, not all - that's why we have temporary insanity pleas.
But even on a more day-to-day level, you just have to accept that your body's going to do some things whether you want it to or not. That includes (for the most part) to whom you're attracted, what makes you feel good, and even those random days when you're depressed and want to curl up in a ball.
The rational, controlled side can step in and say, "We know this happens. We can't stop it, but we expect it, so we don't have to let it have control and can just ride it out..." but that's all it can do. And it isn't rational to berate yourself over something that is, ultimately, out of conscious control. That's as dangerous a trap as abandoning all rationality.
We're not purely biological machines, and we're not purely rational beings. We're somewhere in the middle. And we have to accept that.
Dude, become a hipster. Get some sun-glasses for self-confidence. And... I can't help you with the seeing people as attractive thing.
@austin
I probably didn't do a good job in my rant to explain that my frustration is with the balance not the belief that I might 100% control my emotions. As you said: "were somewhere in the middle". my frustration is over _where_ in the middle I am. I would like to be further north of "average", and my hope (thus far) had been that through realization and honest recognition that would somehow contribute to "better" ...but alas...im still the same 14 yo girl that I was in middle school it seems.
I don't intend to conquer biology-- only "shade" the particular configuration in my brain that makes me _so_ susceptible. I think I am trainable as our brains are extremely malleable. I just need to understand more how one might go about slowly, yet deliberately changing my neuronal configuration to migrate (slowly) towards lining up my physical butterfly-in-the-stomach attraction with my intellectual attraction.
The difficulty of this task is my frustration -- not the wholesale conquering of basic survival mechanisms. Maybe the degree of difficulty is harder that I speculate it to be...
@maddy
i would totally go hipster if I could ;p hey i own some hoodies and chuck taylors so i suppose im part the way there regardless :p
Oh and are you a new follower-- i dont recognize the name? welcoem!
steve
I'm not actually sure how much of basic attraction is "trainable". I mean, obviously culture defines for us what is attractive to a point; however, certain characteristics - youth, healthy looking, etc. - are more ingrained. How we see those characteristics can change: does "healthy" mean overweight (as in the middle ages) or ultra-skinny (as in the 80's)? On top of that, though, I think we just like what we like.
I am, of course, a horrible person to be talking about this - my "type" is pretty much just a "regular guy". I'm almost too focused on personality: I literally can't define someone as attractive until I've talked to them for 5 minutes. So, maybe we need to swap a bit :)
I'm John Smith. I've tried to change it over and over, but it won't change...
I know the feeling regarding self-set standards. Partially, I wonder if that's because you're still living up to standards you felt as a middle school student?
I feel that way because of my own desire to absolutely-maximize what I can get out of any situation. Usually, good enough is good enough, but I still feel like I have to absolutely get the best deal, have the best, do the best, most exotic thing.
Hi! It's Sethboyardee here. Sorry to be rude and drop this comment here a bit selfish of me, and completely off subject - but I've recently returned to blog land after being killed by Google and was hoping you could mention me, follow me, and especially link to me.
sethboyardee2.blogspot.com
Thanks!!!
Also I will be rebuilding my link list so let me know if I can reciproacte. Thanks again!!
Have a good one!
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