So I'm on manhunt, squirt.org, grindr, okcupid, etc. etc. ad infinitum. Why am I on these? The rational reason is that I want to meet someone. What does meet mean? Meet for a relationship, meet with my genitals, exchange not-so-safe-for-work pictures? sure.
So I have met a few people from these places in real life for one or more reasons above, and I've realized something about myself. I have such immense insecurity and fear of rejection that I only seem to go for people that I can justify that I have some edge on; i.e. they are significantly uglier than me, they are significantly stupider than me, etc. This is a shameless and quite dubious self-defense mechanism so that I can "pre write off" the potential for future rejection. So long as I can justify it in my head that I am "worth" them (by some imaginary metric) then I can feel confident and relax and be myself.
So because I'm insane and not a normal person, I end up meeting very few people, and when I do meet them if there is a chance of rejection I tend to usher them into the friends zone really quickly. I excel in the friends zone. I have no problem carrying on conversation. I think I'm fairly introspective and informed, and can relate to people (well geeky and/or gay people at least).
But in the "physical" department I get all confounded. If its (again) a situation where I feel confident, then its not a problem. But if its an even footing then its very awkward as I'm usually too caught up in how horrible I look or silly physical details. Massive insecurity. Its amazing that I've ever even had sex at all. #beer
(note above that I don't really mean "better" as a measure of them -- really its a measure of me; can I somehow justify to myself that I am worthy of them. its that much of an insecurity).
So here we have Derek. Met on manhunt. Nice guy...but extremely intimidating. He's really hot. _really_ hot. AND he's intelligent. But he's a "normal" gay guy. Fair amount of promiscuous sex, very comfortable in his body. Knows what he wants. Goes after what he wants. Scares the shit out of me.
He says he's interested in me because of intelligence, perceived success, and he thinks I'm attractive. We've chatted a bit, and he wants to meet. However, when I chat with him, I feel like shit. He's not doing anything to cause this -- he's really nice. It's all in my head. I'm always nervous and self-conscious. I constantly feel inadequate. I constantly think: why is he wasting his time with such an unattractive guy? He can get whomever he wants.
Overall, the real problem is that I'm wasting his time and, more importantly, my time. I'm distracting myself from things that are actually important; as a testament to this -- here I am -- midnight writing a blog when I should be asleep. Part of me says: WTF Steve!? you haven't even met the guy in real life!? It's completely irrational to think this much about a situation that doesn't even exist yet. I disgust myself.
I'm 28.
It feels like I've missed something -- a reckless youth? enough promiscuity to be comfortable in my own skin? something... that is now prohibiting me from cultivating a real relationship.
Why is this so damn hard?
Steve
Happy Thanksgiving!
1 year ago
10 comments:
"Why is this so damn hard?" *sniggers*
in other news i actually relate to this(the looking for someone who im worth with. generally someone less or on par in regards of good looks with me) the only difference between you and me is that i've assessed myself properly and you're crazy. youre cute steve. and hot... like REALLY HOT. most everyone who's seen you says so, stop being irrational! next thing you know you'll be praying to Jeebus for good looks :P oh and Derek isn't above you youre just even when it comes to looks, trust me on this i'm terribly honest(tactless) about these things.
i say you need a confidence boost and or a psychiatrist.... either way good luck <3 and do try to meet up with derek!
You know that I don't advocate promiscuity (or even extramarital sex) but I agree with you that you've got a problem here. My fear of rejection and shyness really held me back. Finally I got into group therapy for several years, and it really helped. You may be able to realize where the fear comes from, but above all, it should help you to de-program yourself from that fear so you'll be able to meet people you want to meet.
Apart from that, just keep telling yourself that your fears are irrational, and don't let them hold you back.
Wow, this is the first time i think i have gotten to read your blog...some of the things you think and say are right up there in my head, that scares me a little...lol but i can so identify with a few of your reasonings in a BIG way...
@anon
who is this? must be lloyd ;) In any case, thank you. Nic said similar things, which I swear I'm not fishing for compliments -- but completely shocks me. In my brain derek is an unreachable level of hot. Like worth paying for hot :p So I can't even compute the idea that I would be in the same ballpark.
@ng
Thanks -- thats actually a really great idea. I should really do this. Where did you find such a group? We have a gay/les comm center here, and I donate though I've never been. Unfortunately, all of the group meetings they have seem to be either more youth oriented (which they define as < 25 so no luck) or towards older people 40+...so im kind of left with nothing :/
@B walters
Hi billy I didn't realize you knew about my blog :) Very very few people from IRL know this blog -- i have to remember that some times :) In any case thanks for the comment. We should hang out some time and catch up.
steve
I vaguely think that a similar-ish sort of logic entered into my head after i started going out with my current BF (who I love -- this is the first one i can definitely say that for). When we started going out, an overseas work assignment was on the horizon, so i sort of assumed we'd have fun, and then i'd move, and we would both move on, which meant that i could screw it up, and it wouldn't be a big deal.
Unfortunately that backfired. He's an important part of my life, now.
I would say that you should stop beating yourself up. Aside from a drag queen implying that you have *another* drag queen's hair (which I got payback for for laughing at), you're quite handsome. :-)
if they didnt want to take to you, i assure you, they wouldnt be spending their time talking to you ;)
can't wait to hear about your meet up with him!
Well I didn't find the group. A position I applied for required psychological testing, and the psychologist who administered the test recommended the therapy group. Even if the gay/les center doesn't have what you need, they might be able to make a suggestion. Of course your problem isn't necessarily one that's strictly a gay issue. Straight people can have an inordinate fear of rejection, too. So if you can't get a good recommendation from the GL community center, does your job offer counseling? Somebody there might be able to recommend a therapist. If not, there's always the Yellow pages under psychologists, psychotherapists, or counseling. I'd recommend looking under those categories for a "counseling center," and tell them what you're looking for: group therapy to help you with fear of rejection.
One thing I hadn't realized is that therapy groups have different focuses, so you have to find a group which deals with your sort of issues and which has space (to be effective, size is limited — but people join and leave over time). Basically, the therapist has to meet you and decide that a group s/he is leading is a good fit. That's why I recommend going to some sort of counseling center. They might just have a group, and if not, they're more likely to be able to recommend someone who deals with your issues. So it's likely to be more efficient than calling names at random.
I can totally relate to all the things you've said.
it's taken me a ridiculously long time to realise this in life, and I'm not all the way there yet, but when someone says you're handsome, it's entirely possible that they might actually mean it.
*You* may not be the type that *you're* attracted to, but that would only matter if you were the type of guy that wants to love themself. Which you're clearly not, by a bazillion miles.
But just because you're not your type doesn't mean you're not someone (many others) else's type. Heck if I were chatting to you on grindr, manhunt (id please), squirt (you slut) or okcupid, I'd be thinking I'm not worthy of you,
You are a very good looking guy Steve, with many other positives as well..
t!
One of the problems with insecurities is that they can multiply: we realize we have them, then we start getting insecure about being insecure, etc.
We're irrational beings. If we're machines, we weren't well-designed to begin with, and generally we've had tonnes of sand thrown into the works over the years (as well as haphazard tinkering by ourselves and others). What comes out works more by sheer fluke than any design, but that means there will be bumps and irregularities of motion.
One of the hardest but most important lessons to learn is to ignore the self-doubt when the risks are small and the potential rewards are great. You just have to put it aside and go for it, and things like therapy can help with that.
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