Now don't get me wrong-- I'm not in love with TheOtherTyler. I don't know him. I've watched his youtube videos; he seems like a great guy and he is super cute! But in my dream I fell 'in love' with some person that my mind created, and it gave me a glimpse of what my life could be like if I tried harder. This was a dream that affected my entire day yesterday, because it just made me think about a lot of things.
My problem is that (a) I don't think I want to 'make time' for a relationship, and (b) I truly don't think that I am worthy of someone else's time-- i.e. I don't think I deserve to be loved. This (b) sounds much more dramatic than I intend it to be. Basically, I know that I wouldn't date me-- so if I wouldn't, how could I possibly expect anyone else to. I am not a fan of 'destiny', nor do I think its useful to believe that there is 'always someone out there' for each of us. The simple fact is that there are things about me, which I need to improve before I think I would feel comfortable trying to find someone. The scary part is I don't know if I will ever be 'good enough'. I am very much a perfectionist (thanks mom), and since we typically cannot achieve perfection, this just makes me depressed and hyper-critical.
It was a fun dream, because it added hope to my normal mix of anxiety and depression. It forced me to realize that there is a reason to 'be better'. I hear people all the time saying 'dont worry it will be better in the end' or something like that (destiny argument), and I just don't think that's useful. That implies that we should be complacent and things will come to us. I think we should be proactive in our pursuits-- we have to set goals and achieve them. Easier said than done...
Much Love,
Steve
P.S. Here's another pic of TheOtherTyler-- he is really hot :-) But my dream wasn't about lust...
7 comments:
Well, if you have to fall in love with someone, he's quite a good-looking guy. ;-)
I don't want to "make time" either, but I am. I'm just drawing a line at the moment... and I'm not entirely sure if the line I've drawn is too rigid or not. I personally like doing my own thing. I like picking which set of friends I go to lunch with, or who I get a drink with in the evening, or who I see a movie with on the weekends. I don't to (and can't, I think) be around the same person seven days a week.
I probably have space issues, in addition to my own particular set of foibles.
funny thing about what we think of our selfs , the ones truly loves us don't see that they see the good not the mistakes...
If you don't think you're worthy of a relationship you'll never have one. Why are you defeating yourself?
It is strange, although nothing has changed how I look (besides the effects of getting older), I only started to have some romantic success when I started to accept (& a bit love) myself - that is, when I'd tackled my own (b).
I've had dreams like that before.. where I have this giant crush on someone I know in real life but the dream was definitely a different person.. a person that my mind made up that made me like him. I will have to say the dream was definitely fun and I didn't want it to end.
Funny how dreams have ways to show us things we might otherwise not have considered.
Good luck!
I checked out TheOtherTyler. He's cute enough to dream about.
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